Thursday, October 9, 2014

Do Better: Hollywood's Biopic Binge

Hollywood has been following fads like crazy lately. In addition to super hero movies, reboots of older movies, and ill-advised sequels (hello, Transformers 4), the movie makers in Hollywood are committed right now to making biopics, or biographical movies. I'll say the same thing about this that I say when ppl ask me about hairstyles: I've seen them go well, and I've seen them go terribly. I get that they're just gonna follow the money even if it means creating a dogshit movie, but somebody has to raise the WTF flag is a movie about someone's life story is getting butchered; they gotta Do Better. Here are a few sentences about some of the ones upcoming:
  • Nina Simone (starring Zoe Saldana) - No offense, but if they have to put you in black face to resemble the person you're portraying, your casting was a mistake; although a beautiful and talented mistake she was. A big part of Nina's aura was based around being afro-centric, very dark skinned, and not "conventionally beautiful", how exactly did they pick someone they have to make "less pretty"? Do Better...
  • Whitney Houston (starring Yaya DaCosta) - Can Yaya's beautiful ass even act? Are we supposed to believe the young dude with the horribly fake gumby wig (who even makes that bullshit?) is Bobby Brown? You need some "cocaine experiences" to play Bobby. And why the fuck hasn't someone stopped Whitney's daughter Bobbi Kristina from fucking her adopted brother? That shit's nasty. Do Better...
  • James Brown (starring Chadwick Boseman) - I didn't see it coming, but Jackie Robinson did well with the eccentric personality and killed the damn moves, I tip my hat to him. And his dance instructor deserves a raise; his mashed potato was legit. If only they closed the loop on any of the storylines in the movie, it would've been epic. Do Better...
  • Jimi Hendrix (starring Andre "3000" Benjamin) - is there anyone in the music scene now who matches his aura and eccentricity better than 3 stacks? Then the family messed up the perfect casting but not letting them use his popular music. A Hendrix movie without "Purple Haze", "Voodoo Child" and "Kiss the Sky". WTF? Do Better...
  • Miles Davis (starring Don Cheadle) - Although they're the same complexion, something about Miles just looks so Native American rather than Black somehow. But hey, it's Don fucking Cheadle, he'll make it work; even once he has to put on that silly ass wig to represent 80's Miles. Don't Let Me Down...
  • NWA (starring Ice Cube Jr. and a lot of dudes you've never seen before) - I hope Cube, Dre, and company know what they're doing, because I can't vouch for anybody's acting ability. All the inevitably black leather, jheri curl activator, and rebelliousness might still not work if they can't convey the spirits of Eazy, Dre, and Cube in their youth. Don't Let Me Down..
  • Richard Pryor (starring Mike Epps) - Go sit the hell down Nick Cannon. I question his acting chops and his comedic skills (he damn sure can't rap). Since Eddie Murphy doesn't look like him, and Marlon Wayans just doesn't quite feel right, I can't be mad at Epps. He's got the funny gene, but he's gotta prove himself. Don't Let Me Down...
And last but certainly not least...
  • Tupac Shakur (casting TBD) - Who the fuck are you gonna find who can match Pac's unique energy? Especially someone who looks anything like Pac or is in the right age range? And what stories do you tell in addition to the obvious Pac & Big story? Pac and Jada? Pac and his Suge struggles? Young Pac and Jada Pinkett? Pac and the Black Panthers? There's a lot of figure out. They Better Deliver...