Real Talk: Black Men and Black Women, Intersecting Stigmas

DISCLAIMER: This entry features many generalizations, obviously there is no way to break down every man-woman situation at once. So please the save the "That's bullshit, I'm not like that" for someone else. If u're not like this, cool, ignore it. Please also consider the possibility that u may be this way but haven't taken an honest look in the mirror. Enjoy...

Age and increased interaction with the opposite sex results in more opinion and curiosity about how things work the way they do between each. After my experiences and watching the movie "The Diary of A Tired Black Man," I have gained new perspective on a subject I hadn't previously thought deeply about. What the movie calls "Angry Black Woman Syndrome" (ABWS) has a potential to directly intersect with the American circumstances that create the "Angry Black Man." ABWS is often caused influences such as woman being bitter from past relationships, the absence or distrust of father figure, and influences from other women. Obviously, there are countless movies and even now whole networks (Lifetime Movie Channel, etc.) dedicated to showing the ways that men mess up relationships; whether it's cheating, physical abuse, abandonment, etc. Which can also turn scorned baby's mothers into vessels for negativity, "Your father ain't shit. Men ain't shit" etc, in the absence of males. This can force women not to try to find their flaws - possibly trust, dependence, defensiveness, jealousy, over-independence, incessant nagging, etc - but to focus all their attention, and consequently all the blame, on the men (I can point u to ten guys I know who will tell u "Fa real, fa real, I ain't shit. I'm just a squirrel in the world tryna bust a nut", but how many women u know who will tell u that they're not "wifey" material right now because of their own flaws?) This can create a scenario where women have unrealistic or contradictory expectations - possibly in inappropriate proportions - which you expect from men despite it being implausible. How do you expect a guy to be openly emotional and sensitive yet strong and unflinching? a panther to fight for what he believes yet a puppy who will say "Yes ma'am" when she wants something of him? To be wealthy without having to ever choose business over them? To be nice and wholesome, while still asshole and crazy enough for them not to get bored? The man who every woman wants but only wants her, even if she treats him like shit? A man can't be all of those things on the same front at the same time. They can become irrational; especially in improper proportions. It attraccts some women to the wrong things entirely when searching for the right man. I know plenty of women who will take the excitement and 'swag' over the manners and ambition anyday. Yet if it doesn't work out, she doesn't see any flaw in her decision. It's all HIS fault in their eyes and the eyes of those conspiracy theorist friends who been talking shit since day one of the relationship. Don't you think it's strange that four single chicks who can't keep men may try so hard to break up the happy relationship of the only one in the crew with a good man?

Which brings me to the "Angry Black Man." I consider my self a fairly laid back dude. But I can tell that Angry Black Man is in me. He rears his head from time to time, but he's deep within me. There are many who wear this man on their sleeve, ready to jump out at the any opportune moment. This has side effects, just as ABWS has them on women; but slightly different. As Black men coming up in America, we have been taught since birth (those who have had good male role models in their lives) that nothin will be given to u, a hundred doors may be slammed in ur face, u have to keep fighting to be ready when the right one cracks open a little bit for u. This can lead to a several things as far as women, including the "Fine, if she don't want me, the next chick will" attitude and those "I won't take no for an answer" brothers; depending on self-control, confidence and temperment factors. Another early lesson is if u really believe in something, think it out and stand up for it with reason, not emotion. Just as with doors being slammed in your face, emotion is weakness, and although it is felt, it can not be succumbed to. For this reason, men are quick to let u know that u've hurt them; "can't let em see u sweat." If a man does allow himself to be open and vulnerable and he gets hurts, his door is gonna close even tighter for the next person. As less emotional beings, it takes even more of a toll however we may try to repress it within. Also, authority is automatically questioned; that "don't tell me what to do" reflex. This explains many male responses to ultimatums and scenarios where instinctual responses may take over before he has even truly weighed the pros and cons of the consequences. And most importantly, I repeat most importantly (to many, but not all, once again, we're dealing with generalities) is the point that when the rest of the world- society, work, traffic, bills, etc - is providing u chaos that u have to fight thru, u want to come home and have peace; therefore, u need a home situation and woman who is helping u to find that peace. If u come home to constant fighting or nagging, it feels less like somewhere u want to be and more like another place u want to escape from. All of these things inevitably effect the way men react to different issues as they arise in relationships. U can imagine how I man lookin for peace and a woman arguing to 'manufacture' excitement might not mix. U can imagine how a woman who expects him to be emotionally open might become discouraged that his boundary walls aren't dropping as fast as his (but I still contend that no chick wants to see her man cry, that's "too" emotional. How many niggas u know who cry on the regular and survive the relationship?). I think men and women have to take time to understand themselves - our strengths, weakness, flaws, etc - and then be open and honest to find a relationship situation that lasts. It will help us break through outdated inconsistencies, gender roles gone wrong, and double standards which keep women saying "There's no good Black men" and men saying "There are no good Black women." Becuz as publicized as men's problems are, it goes both ways, believe me. I recently spoke to a close female friend of mine who is perfect on paper (beautiful, good future, smart, ambitious, etc) but has major control and trust issues and can't be honest enough with herself to admit it. If my homeboy came back from a first date and told me a chick said the things she said to me, my response would be "Get away from her, this chick is psycho." There are many ppl on both sides who think they're "that good one being overlooked" that have these kind of issues but don't know it. We gotta tone down the attitude and ego and be real with ourselves so we can be real with each other. It's essential to ensuring the continuity of progressive Black ppl going into the future. I don't want us to keep losing good Black men and good Black women to the Caucasians. That's right, I said it. Racist, I Know. I've Been Called Worse...

Comments encouraged. I just ask that all comments come from a place of thought out questioning or criticism, not quick-handed emotion response because u don't like somethin I said. Real Talk...

Fuck the Police, Internationally

My hatred for policemen (obviously not all, but many) now knows no borders, it has crossed the Pacific and gone international. As I was walking back from a bar with two friends of mine, one Nigerian and one Sudanese, we see cops on motor bikes. I don't think much of it at the time. Until I see one's head turn towards us and he signals to the others to pull over near where we're walking. It was like deja vu, it was as if I'd seen it before, the same bullshit being rewinded. Here comes this police bullshit again. And it has a different spin here becuz police here are only driven by money. They arrange random traffic stops anywhere and stop everyone without the intention to write any tickets or citations, they just play that "Well, the ticket is this price. But if u pay me half of that, I'll let u slide" all the time. In America, a lot of cops are crooked, but most of the time they're tryna make money off the criminals; taking some of the money they find in raids, taking bribes to "turn their heads" on things, etc. Here the police are into exploiting regular ppl. Ain't that a bitch? So to them, they think we're three Africans, we're an easy target to them. No reason to stop us at all, but they ask our ideas. My temperature already starts rising, but I stay civil and hand over my ID. After the one in front of me argues that my ID must be fake, the one who has somehow worked his way behind me starts frisking me, feeling me all up and down. Instinct told me to punch him in the face for laying hands on me. But it is a cop, no matter how crooked or sorry. So I kind of brush him off me and grab it from my pocket myself. "It's Carmex, lip balm. What do u want from me?" He inspects the little tub as if it's filled with anthrax. At this point, I'm getting madder. One of them is raising his voice questioning why I'm trying to con them with a fake ID. I raise my voice right back, "u a fucking American ID expert now? How do I know u not just a douchebag in his policeman Halloween costume taking a joy ride?" At least in America, they have to at least act like they have some valid reason to stop you. Even if it is bullshit, they have to act like u did something suspicious to get stopped or pulled over. And beyond that, we have rights. If they try to make u open ur trunk or glove box or want u to get out so they can frisk u, u have the right to say "No, do u have a warrant?" The cop might not like it, but if they try to "make u" u have grounds to sue them. We've seen ppl sue and win large sums of money from the police force for unlawful interaction. and once again, in true police fashion, when they realized they had nothing on us, they tried to explain with bullshit. "Oh this is normal at night when we see people walking." MOTHERFUCKER A DOZEN PEOPLE HAVE WALKED BY SINCE U'VE BEEN TRYING GROPE ME. U AIN'T STOPPED NAM ONE OF THEM. JUST US BLACK GUYS." He can try to go sell that shit to someone else, I don't play that shit. Fuck u and leave me alone. If u haven't noticed, this is a topic that gets me hot quick' which isn't actually that easy to do. But this picture to the left gives u an idea of the mentality that pisses me off so much. As great as the "idea" of the police is, the actuality of what many of the police have become is a far cry from serving and protecting. They're clinging to the power of the badge to feed their greed and prejudice. I don't fuck wit em, period. If u think I'm exaggerating or somethin, open ur fucking eyes and grow up. If u think I'm being bitter or sensitive, fuck it, I've Been Called Worse. As Lil' Wayne says (odd person to quote for me, I know), "Real niggas fuck with me, and I don't give a fuck u don't."

Stop Me When I Start Lying: Don't Be Fooled, Crime Ain't Random

Since I've been here, every few days I'm involved in a conversation where someone is asking me a lot of questions about what America is really like. Or they're making statements based on their pre-conceived notions of America. One of the hot-button topics is often crime. One female from my church, native of a recently war torn African country, told me she's interested in living in Canada but is scared to go to America because "it's so dangerous, I might get raped or something." I should've grabbed her by the shoulders and shaken the shit out of her. I don't get it becuz some Africans have seen some level of civil war but are scared of the image they have of American street crime. I shouldn't be surprised because much of the American population (middle or upper class white America mainly, but some minorities who have successfully disconnected from the hood; which isn't a bad thing) doesn't understand how crime works in America; how could I possibly expect someone who's never been there to understand? i feel like they're just taking the movies and tv they see way too seriously. It has somehow convinced them that crime is widespread and random. And for others, they have claimed they wanted to see some of these dangerous places they hear about; "I wanna go to Brooklyn, I wanna see the Bronx, I wanna see where Jay-Z is from." My response, "No the hell u don't" When I start hearing such ridiculous remarks, I know it's time for me to educate them. I'm not a thug, I'm not some hood dude, but I've been exposed to the hood and hood people enough to have a deeper understanding of how the crime works. The truth is that crime ain't random, it's targeted, for Americans just like foreigners. You have to find ways not to make urself a target. If u're visiting a America as a tourist and u go to tourist places or you go to places with a native who knows where they're goin, you should be ok. But if u show up to places u don't belong and have no business, or u're wearing a lot of valuables in plain sight, or u're starting shit with ppl, u're not in a good position. As an American - even if I was a New Yorker - I wouldn't go to Queensbridge or Marcy, I have no business there and the natives there know that. In the projects, the natives see and know everything and they're opportunists, looking for an easy come up. That's why someone who's not actually rich but flaunts his wealth in the form of material things such as these upstart rappers and athletes are much more often targeted than someone like Steve Jobs, who's a billionaire but doesn't flaunt his wealth. Plus, he's not trying to impress anyone by going back to sketchy places and showing off. That's why someone like Young Berg has been robbed more than once despite the fact that he's not actually rich. At the same time, the founder of Google could walk through a crowded mall without security and not be targeted; probably not even recognized. White collar crime, computer hacking and all those things are an entirely different issue, but as far as street level violence. People need to chill out with these hyperbolized notions. Just watch ur back, be smart, and don't go places u have no business and u'll be fine.