Real Talk: Black Men and Black Women, Intersecting Stigmas

DISCLAIMER: This entry features many generalizations, obviously there is no way to break down every man-woman situation at once. So please the save the "That's bullshit, I'm not like that" for someone else. If u're not like this, cool, ignore it. Please also consider the possibility that u may be this way but haven't taken an honest look in the mirror. Enjoy...

Age and increased interaction with the opposite sex results in more opinion and curiosity about how things work the way they do between each. After my experiences and watching the movie "The Diary of A Tired Black Man," I have gained new perspective on a subject I hadn't previously thought deeply about. What the movie calls "Angry Black Woman Syndrome" (ABWS) has a potential to directly intersect with the American circumstances that create the "Angry Black Man." ABWS is often caused influences such as woman being bitter from past relationships, the absence or distrust of father figure, and influences from other women. Obviously, there are countless movies and even now whole networks (Lifetime Movie Channel, etc.) dedicated to showing the ways that men mess up relationships; whether it's cheating, physical abuse, abandonment, etc. Which can also turn scorned baby's mothers into vessels for negativity, "Your father ain't shit. Men ain't shit" etc, in the absence of males. This can force women not to try to find their flaws - possibly trust, dependence, defensiveness, jealousy, over-independence, incessant nagging, etc - but to focus all their attention, and consequently all the blame, on the men (I can point u to ten guys I know who will tell u "Fa real, fa real, I ain't shit. I'm just a squirrel in the world tryna bust a nut", but how many women u know who will tell u that they're not "wifey" material right now because of their own flaws?) This can create a scenario where women have unrealistic or contradictory expectations - possibly in inappropriate proportions - which you expect from men despite it being implausible. How do you expect a guy to be openly emotional and sensitive yet strong and unflinching? a panther to fight for what he believes yet a puppy who will say "Yes ma'am" when she wants something of him? To be wealthy without having to ever choose business over them? To be nice and wholesome, while still asshole and crazy enough for them not to get bored? The man who every woman wants but only wants her, even if she treats him like shit? A man can't be all of those things on the same front at the same time. They can become irrational; especially in improper proportions. It attraccts some women to the wrong things entirely when searching for the right man. I know plenty of women who will take the excitement and 'swag' over the manners and ambition anyday. Yet if it doesn't work out, she doesn't see any flaw in her decision. It's all HIS fault in their eyes and the eyes of those conspiracy theorist friends who been talking shit since day one of the relationship. Don't you think it's strange that four single chicks who can't keep men may try so hard to break up the happy relationship of the only one in the crew with a good man?

Which brings me to the "Angry Black Man." I consider my self a fairly laid back dude. But I can tell that Angry Black Man is in me. He rears his head from time to time, but he's deep within me. There are many who wear this man on their sleeve, ready to jump out at the any opportune moment. This has side effects, just as ABWS has them on women; but slightly different. As Black men coming up in America, we have been taught since birth (those who have had good male role models in their lives) that nothin will be given to u, a hundred doors may be slammed in ur face, u have to keep fighting to be ready when the right one cracks open a little bit for u. This can lead to a several things as far as women, including the "Fine, if she don't want me, the next chick will" attitude and those "I won't take no for an answer" brothers; depending on self-control, confidence and temperment factors. Another early lesson is if u really believe in something, think it out and stand up for it with reason, not emotion. Just as with doors being slammed in your face, emotion is weakness, and although it is felt, it can not be succumbed to. For this reason, men are quick to let u know that u've hurt them; "can't let em see u sweat." If a man does allow himself to be open and vulnerable and he gets hurts, his door is gonna close even tighter for the next person. As less emotional beings, it takes even more of a toll however we may try to repress it within. Also, authority is automatically questioned; that "don't tell me what to do" reflex. This explains many male responses to ultimatums and scenarios where instinctual responses may take over before he has even truly weighed the pros and cons of the consequences. And most importantly, I repeat most importantly (to many, but not all, once again, we're dealing with generalities) is the point that when the rest of the world- society, work, traffic, bills, etc - is providing u chaos that u have to fight thru, u want to come home and have peace; therefore, u need a home situation and woman who is helping u to find that peace. If u come home to constant fighting or nagging, it feels less like somewhere u want to be and more like another place u want to escape from. All of these things inevitably effect the way men react to different issues as they arise in relationships. U can imagine how I man lookin for peace and a woman arguing to 'manufacture' excitement might not mix. U can imagine how a woman who expects him to be emotionally open might become discouraged that his boundary walls aren't dropping as fast as his (but I still contend that no chick wants to see her man cry, that's "too" emotional. How many niggas u know who cry on the regular and survive the relationship?). I think men and women have to take time to understand themselves - our strengths, weakness, flaws, etc - and then be open and honest to find a relationship situation that lasts. It will help us break through outdated inconsistencies, gender roles gone wrong, and double standards which keep women saying "There's no good Black men" and men saying "There are no good Black women." Becuz as publicized as men's problems are, it goes both ways, believe me. I recently spoke to a close female friend of mine who is perfect on paper (beautiful, good future, smart, ambitious, etc) but has major control and trust issues and can't be honest enough with herself to admit it. If my homeboy came back from a first date and told me a chick said the things she said to me, my response would be "Get away from her, this chick is psycho." There are many ppl on both sides who think they're "that good one being overlooked" that have these kind of issues but don't know it. We gotta tone down the attitude and ego and be real with ourselves so we can be real with each other. It's essential to ensuring the continuity of progressive Black ppl going into the future. I don't want us to keep losing good Black men and good Black women to the Caucasians. That's right, I said it. Racist, I Know. I've Been Called Worse...

Comments encouraged. I just ask that all comments come from a place of thought out questioning or criticism, not quick-handed emotion response because u don't like somethin I said. Real Talk...