Real Talk: The Death of a "Phenomenal Woman"

There are a lot of times where the idea for a blog entry hits me but I get distracted or busy and I don't end up posting until days, weeks, or even months later unfortunately. Today is not one of those days. Even though she's been somewhat out of the national spotlight, Maya Angelou's presence was truly a gift to our world. Going through what she went through early in her life (poverty, Jim Crow racism, sexism, molestations, etc.) being successful itself was quite an accomplishment. But even moreso, Angelou become a pillar of strength and dignity inside and outside of the poetry field that she revolutionized. She was recognized at the highest levels (chosen as poet laureate by Bill Clinton, etc) for her craft. But beyond that, what she meant to women - particularly women of color - was immeasurable. In my eyes, she was the ultimate role model and symbol of class and eloquence. In an age where there aren't enough positive role models for young women of color, losing one as influential as Angelou is even more sad. I'm a man but the poem "Phenomenal Woman" has stuck with me since I first read it some 15-20 years ago; I can only imagine what it meant to young girls. They say a library is burned down every time a wise elder dies; that phrase has never before
resonated with me as much as it does today. Rest in Peace amongst the other angels Sister Maya Angelou, you will be missed.

Real Talk: Using Athletes to Break Down the Barriers of Racial Understanding

Thank you Richard Sherman, DeSean Jackson, LeBron James, and so many others, you've helped me to start some conversations that our great nation needs so many more of. Racism still exists, but I argue that it's not the biggest problem between anymore, the biggest problem is unconscious discomfort and dismissiveness due to misunderstanding. I'm a young Black man who went to middle and high school in the hood (although my parents were able to move us out of that) and has friends from all walks of life; by being around different people you understand different people and learn how you fit into things. I now work in somewhat of a corporate setting and some of my co-workers are from the most affluent and least diverse upbringings imaginable. I get along with everyone and they see me as a peer, but from time to time I'm reminded that they just fundamentally do not understand much of what I've been through, much less what those truly from less fortunate backgrounds deal with in life. When such a subject comes up, I feel an obligation to speak for speak for a population they shun and will never willing be within 1000 feet of that they're acting bigoted towards because they don't understand them and have dismissed them as lost causes; even when they're completely wrong. For instance, it was laughable that Richard Sherman was being called a thug (and other worse racial epithets) after his emotional interview in the immediate aftermath of making essentially a game-winning play to send his team to the Super Bowl. With the exception of those who immediately went racial, I'd assume those who haven't been around young Black males or around football players were largely uncomfortable with this level of aggressiveness and decided he had to be a thug. No, he's a football player, who plays a position that all but requires over-confident, in the heat of the moment. He's was a young man strong to beat the odds and make it from a very bad neighborhood (between Watts and Compton, in South L.A.) to Stanford (where he had a 3.9 GPA) and then the NFL. He's hired by Sports Illustrated as a writer on the side. This isn't a bad apple; those who dismissed him were unequivocally wrong. But they wouldn't call the hockey players who started off a game by throwing down their sticks as fighting such a strong word when they fit the definition. Upon cutting DeSean Jackson, someone in the Eagles organization apparently told the media that part of the reason was his ties to gangs or gang members. My co-worker tried to convince me that if he was from such a bad neighborhood, he'd move his family away from there and never go back. He went as far as to say he'd take off running the other way if he ever saw anyone from his old neighborhood. Really? No giving back to your community? No trying to help more kids make it out? No going home...ever? Taking off running from a high school teammate? Furthermore, isn't instantly moving and paying for dozens of people one of the major ways athletes cited as going broke on the "30 for 30" special "Broke"? That's not a sound financial decision. When life hands you a raw deal as a kid, those who help you navigate and make it through that form a bond with you that should last a lifetime. Like I said, I lived in a decent area but went to school with "undesirables" and I tell people that they were part of the reason I didn't get involved in anything bad; despite teenage curiosities, they shielded me from that because I had the potential for much more. I'm sure DeSean Jackson has similar more dramatic stories. I have former teammates who went the wrong direction and friends behind bars or dead. Like me, he has to be careful about exactly how he interacts with them now and it might not be appropriate for you to be rolling with them how you once did. But if I was a celebrity and I ran into them, I'd dap them up, if they wanted a picture, I'd take a picture with them, I might let them sit at my table at a restaurant and chat it up. But that would be it. You show love. But those raised among the rich don't get that because A) the rich are quick to shun or forget someone else if they fall of the pace of their rich peers, and B) they may never have to deal with someone from DeSean Jackson's background. I have these conversations because even if they don't agree, even if having their perspective makes them mad, I want them to physically hear the other perspective from someone they respect as a peer. Then I use the LeBron example. LeBron is a kid from the projects of Akron who became the best ball player in the world, did he turn his back on his childhood friends? No, he kept them close and put them to work. One of his teenage friends, Rich Paul, is now his agent and quickly becoming one of the most powerful agents in the NBA. They don't get more famous and successful than where LeBron is now, but rather than shunning Akron; he brought them to the top with him. And they're not ghetto, they're not freeloading leaches, or just a useless social entourage, they're legit, they're earning the place they were given at the table. So he's allowing others from a less fortunate situation to make it because he has made it; he's opening up new avenues, which is powerful. That doesn't happen if you're quick to turn your back to them. So even if my coworkers don't agree, I want them to hear it said by a peer and it bouncing around in their minds, because that's at least a step towards understanding. And that also is powerful and we need more of that everywhere. Real Talk...

Real Talk: Two Substance-less Arguments

I argue quite a lot, about a lot of different things. It's not because I'm just randomly argumentative or get off on being right. Many times it's to get a reaction from others or sometimes just to add humor to a boring situation. But even moreso,  I like seeing how people defend their arguments. I can admire a worthy opponent for providing valuable insight or perspective even if we disagree vehemently. You're not going to agree with everyone; you might as well gain something from the argument. But in the last few years, there have been two major arguments that continue to arise which have virtually no substance beyond the superficial. One of them is sports-related (by in large inconsequential) and the other is a much large human civil issue. The first is the "I hate LeBron, I'll never respect him after "The Decision", he's everything that is wrong with modern sports. The other is "I'm so disgusted by the idea of gay marriage, they're such sinners. I could never support that." Yep, I'm going there. But let's start with LeBron. Get over "The Decision" and the pep rally already. It was a "look at me" move - a "look at me" move that raised over $2 million for the Boys & Girls Club), but a "look at me" move nonetheless - and I understand how anyone from Ohio is heartbroken that he left and furious that he announced it on National TV. Everyone else, shut up. But why is noone mad at Dan Gilbert, the Cavaliers owner, who didn't put talent around him (Mo Williams, the 2nd best player on that team, became the 3rd string point guard for the Clippers the year after LeBron left)? Why isn't anyone mad at the other players in that locker room who hid from him the fact that one of his teammates was sleeping with his mom? I wouldn't trust teammates hiding shit like that from me.Why wasn't anyone mad like that when other all-time great players left small market teams to win in larger markets (Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem, Shaq, etc.)? You mad about what he said at a pep rally? Any high school football team makes outlandish promises at pep rallies. The point of pep rallies is to hype up the crowd, period. Professional athletes (all eras, all sports, men and women) are a bit vain. After all, ever since Bird & Magic brought the NBA back into the national spotlight, players (especially superstars) are praised by those who live through their successes vicariously. Many of the greatest players ever have personality traits much worse than LeBron's - Jordan's bullying competitiveness and gambling issues, Oscar Robertson's condescending obsessiveness, Wilt's selfishness, widespread infidelity across sports, etc. None of that matters to fans then, why does it now? There are professional athletes getting in trouble for drugs, guns, murder, rape, steroids, etc, where's all the anger then? If you don't like him, say you don't like him. He's the best player in the world and has dis-proven everything people said he couldn't do (win, hit jump shots, hit game winners, make clutch plays, etc). If you're a hater, say that, stop acting like there's any substance to your argument. Next, the homosexuality issue. Crazy enough, I'm going to keep this one shorter than the sports issue. Christianity is being used as a reason to oppose gay marriage beyond judgment. But look back, Christianity was formerly used to oppose interracial marriage, marriage across religions,etc. It was used to support slavery, segregation, the ugly process of colonization, and more. The KKK modeled their hoods after those once worn by European priests. The Bible was written in an age when marriages were widely arranged (between teenagers largely), hormones and mental makeup was not understood, there was no thought of equality or fairness towards women or many ethnicities. With caring for your fellow child of God being a key principle of the religion, the Bible was written in a time period which differed from that mightily. Although it recorded the actions and words of God, the Bible was written by men, each with their own flaws, prejudices, and biases. Religion is not flawed because of any flaws with God; religion is flawed because man is flawed, period. Homosexuality is sin...so is pre-marital sex, telling lies, etc. Why is homosexual monogamy seen as so much more sinful than a heterosexual casual sex and the lying that's often involved? I don't believe people are gay by choice, I believe they're gay by hormonal makeup. We now live in an age where marriages aren't arranged, you can marry who you're attracted to and compatible with. So naturally, if those who are gay don't have to deal with the burden of their families telling them who they're going to marry at age 13 during puberty, they have the choice to choose for themselves. If you're attracted to the same sex, you will probably figure that out soon after puberty and pursue that sex. Would you rather they fake it, leaving them unfulfilled and possibly cheating to satisfy their desires outside of the relationship? Deciding to be unhappily married to someone you're not attracted to may make for more comfortable family pictures to send your parents, but leads to much bigger problems. Heterosexual marriages have about a 50% success rate, do you honestly believe heterosexual marriage will do worse? And here's the big one, the question to end all questions before I end this entry. Let's say you're a preacher standing on the doorstep of your church as people walk up to your door, what is less Christian: A) the fact that that two God-fearing women approaching are in love and married? or B) you shunning away a couple trying to get closer to the Lord because you don't like the fact that they're happily married? Real talk.

Real Talk: The Smoking Guns

July 20, 2012: A 24 year old masked man enters a midnight screening of "The Dark Knight Rises" and kills 12 people, wounding 50 more in a Colorado movie theater. December 11, 2012 A man walks into an Oregon mall and shoots three people before taking his own life right before police arrive. December 14, 2012 An autistic 20 year old starts shooting indiscriminately in the Newtown, CT elementary school that his mother worked at, killing 27 people including 20 small children. That may have been the last straw. Let me be clear, I was sad, I'm not anymore...I'M PISSED; A controlled pissed, but pissed nonetheless. These aren't the first school shootings by any means (Colombine, Virginia Tech, and countless others), but the shock and sadness this one causes may just be the straw that broke the camels back he it comes to changing our loose gun laws in America. As well read as I pride myself on being, I have purposely not researched or read much on the details of this incident because of the visceral sadness associated with the death of so many young children. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm not a parent; I could only imagine what it felt like as a parent. Two more things hit me as soon as I heard about this incident, a) This is another indication that too many guns are ending up in the hands of the wrong people, b) He just killed 27 people and noone has referred into him as a terrorist. I understand that the 2nd Amendment is virtually irreversible and is widely supported by many states and virtually every rural area. I know plenty of young people who are responsible gun owners (even some that own automatic or assault weapons); they own them, they may go to the gun range and shoot, they're around just in case of the worse but scarcely even get touched. I also know that most rural gun owners have them for the purposes of hunting or recreational shooting only and have never turned their firearms on other people. I honestly believe 90-95% of registered gun owners are not a real threat to society. The problem is that the other 5% of registered gun owners (and those who procure firearms by less legal means) are comprised of people who likely either: lead a lifestyle that increases their propensity for violence, have mental/emotional issues which increase their likeliness to "overreact" to something via firearm. Just like with insurance, law enforcement, and so many other things, the actions of the 5% make things much worse for the more responsible 95%. But rather than complaining, which won't get us anywhere, my thought process (still trying to avoid the emotion that comes with fully turning my attention to the details of this latest tragedy) immediately turns to "What can we do?". The over reactors immediately jump to "Get rid of guns in America", but I'm versed enough to realize that this isn't feasible. In rural America (which by land mass is still the majority of the country), fear that the "city slickers" will try to take their guns is a constant fear and can drive their political views and affiliations. Hell, the NRA and right wing response to this situation is "Guns aren't the problem. He was just a bad apple. If the principal of the school had had an assault rifle in his office, none of this would have happened."( I heard a similar "Arm everyone as a deterrent" from zany ass Ann Coulter in reply to Trayvon Martin's murder; SMH). If more restrictive gun legistlation is passed, their inevitable response will be "Why should I stop buying guns because of a few? I haven't broken the law." Fuck the NRA, we know they have their own reasons for advocating more guns. A friend of mine on Facebook recently very astutely compared this to saying "I'm a law abiding citizen, not a hijacker. Why can't take my knives and box cutters on the plane?". If that argument worked, I'd be at city hall tomorrow saying "I'm not a criminal, I don't want to pay the portion of my taxes that goes to funding the police force. They don't need them for me, I don't like them fuckers, and they don't like young Black men." Let me know when that shit starts to work. And this theory that everyone should be armed to prevent gun violence sounds crazy; raise your hand if gun availability seems like the answer rather than the problem. I won't lie and say I know the whole answer, but although many of my responsibly gun-owning friends won't like the fact that the late rash of violence has made me believe that non-soldiers don't need assault rifles available to them anymore. The process of acquiring a weapon should be tweaked also, maybe it should have a mental evaluation requirement as well, I'm not sure the best way to do it, but something must be done and now Obama and Biden seem to think the same. I hope they get the right people in the same room and come up with something that nudges this issue in the right direction. Feeling how I felt the day that elementary school got shot up is not an experience I was fond of and I'd guess everyone else felt the same way.

I'll only use a few sentences about the lack of terrorism profiling. I think defining who's a terrorist and who's a violent criminal gets distorted by narrowly minded regional stereotyping. I wonder if Tim McVeigh (the Oklahoma City bomber), the Unibomber, Eric Rudolph, the Virginia Tech shooter, the Dark Knight movie theater shooter, ESPECIALLY Jared Lee Lougher (He shot a politician for a political reason), would be much more often referred to as terrorist if the same actions were carried out by someone from the Middle East or Africa. When white men commit such crimes, people automatically explore the "Oh maybe he's just crazy" rather than questioning their motives. This is opposite with those from Arab or African descent, there is no regard for their mental state, their intent gets assumed as terrorism, even if the person was born and raised n the US and has no definable connections to terrorist groups. If you're premeditating and carrying out mass murder, you need to be treated like a monster; no matter what you look like. Real Talk...

Real Talk: Recent NFL tragedies

For a second straight Sunday, the National Football League has to hold games on the heels of reporting player-caused fatality. Last Sunday, 25 year old Kansas City linebacker Jovan Belcher (pictured above) shot his girlfriend eight times at their home before killing himself in front of his coach, general manager, and other team officials at their practice facility. This week, Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent was driving under the influence and flipped his vehicle killing the passenger, his teammate Jerry Brown. I heard a quote today which I believe to be an apt description of the circumstances. Former NFL player and present commentator Tom Jackson said that despite popular belief, "The NFL is a microcosm of society." It's easy to view NFL players like their digital replicas on the Madden video games as nothing more than football playing images on your screen with no other purpose or attentions in life than playing up to the expectations of the fans. Ignoring the fact that we are all actually people (and therefore flawed) makes is easy to demonize and criticize them for on field play and ignore the fact that the complexities of life still affect these men off of the gridiron. People have off days, people have days of fatigue of aloofness, personal stresses or emotions can affect professional performance at times, pride often stops people from seeking help they may require. As quiet as it's kept, most teams have personal counselors available for any players who needs them. By all accounts from Chiefs players, Belcher was a model citizen in the locker room and an hard working, devoted teammate. If the rumors about the cause of the murder-suicide events are true, his girlfriend was late coming back from a Trey Songz concert and he became jealous enough to murder her. I can't believe that this level of rage emerged from this incident alone; although it is possible frighteningly enough. By reports, Belcher and his girlfriend were provided counseling by the Chiefs about their "financial and relationship problems." Is it feasible to believe that had they contacted the counselor earlier or been more honest at counseling about their issues that this may not have happened? I think it's possible. But instead this tragedy took place despite the fact that they actually made the hard step to begin counseling. Now because of this murder suicide, a young girl will never know her parents and whoever raises her will have a terrible story about them whenever she becomes old enough to ask. The NFL itself has a comprehensive substance abuse program available for any players willing to use it. Is it possible to believe that if Brent's ego allowed him to join the program, or use the NFL taxi service (yeah, the NFL has created a hotline for this very purpose), or bring a friend as a designated driver, his teammate would be alive and he wouldn't be in custody for intoxication manslaughter? It's a reasonable conclusion. But as with addiction and many other personal problems, it's difficult to admit that you have a problem which could cause death of someone close to you; often to a fault. This is especially true with alcohol, which is legal and often not considered an addictive drug. People use alcohol so casually that it becomes hard to determine what is truly a state of addiction and even how inebriated you are in relation to whether you are able to drive or not. I've wondered about that one and been more conscious of it myself as I've gotten older. Groupon had a personal breatalyzer on sale for cheap and I bought it just so I could examine that myself at home because if you're not 'out of control, world spinning, I can barely stand up' drunk, it can become hard to know exactly where you stand. Sounds crazy, but I did. It's worth the $20 to me to know how I feel at that point and avoid the possible DUI or tragedy which can follow. As a people, we have to be more conscious and deliberate handling our problems before they become the causes of tragedy. Hindsight is 20/20, but when your hindsight exposes you to the realities that your actions could have saved life, hindsight can also be very painful. I wouldn't ever want to have to live with that burden. Real talk...

Real Talk: The Sad and Cautionary Tale of Troy Davis

Just in case you forgot, there is still prejudice and inconsistency that has been allowed to perpetuate in our penal system; remember it is run by old, stubborn, conservative white men groomed during segregation. Troy Davis, the Georgia man convicted of shooting a white (yes, it matters sadly) police officer in 1989, has been executed by legal injection today. This comes after his execution date has been moved 4 times due to the ridiculous circumstance around his case. Essentially, there was no DNA evidence or murder weapon ever linking him to the murder. He was convicted largely because there were 9 different witnesses who identified him as the killer. I can understand completely how a jury would see this as sufficient evidence to convict him at that point in time. However, over the past 22 years, 7 of the 9 witnesses have completely recanted their testimony saying that either he was not the shooter or they can not conclusively say that he was the shooter. So the question becomes: what would make these people lie on the stand for a case with death penalty at risk? Police coercion. I admit upfront that I am biased because I personally have a problem (or twenty) with several things about what the average street level American policeman has become. But this is one of the many reasons why. Police don’t like seeing other cops go down obviously, which once again is understandable. However, the lengths they will go to in a search for vengeance are unreasonable at times. In this vengeful conquest, it seems to matter more to the institution that ‘someone’ goes down for the murder, rather than focus being on ‘the right guy’ going down for it. So do I think policemen are capable of intimidating or threatening 7 people into saying that this man was the culprit even if they weren’t sure? Yes I do. Hell, I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same thing if me or my family were at the point of a standard police-issued .22 caliber handgun. Furthermore, there have been several cases in the past where witnesses (often someone who is not commonly exposed to Black people) identify the wrong person. Hell, I still go places where a non-Black person says they can’t tell the difference between me and one of my homeboys when we look nothing alike. So if I’m someone in the legal system, this adds enough doubt that I should at least look into the validity of the witnesses’ claims. I’m not saying let him out today since the media is covering every minute. But take the time to make sure he’s the right guy; he’s been on death row 22 years, he can wait another 10 months to follow up with the witnesses and evidence (or lack thereof); after the supposed standard for conviction in general, much less execution, is supposed to be “beyond a reasonable doubt.” And it seemed like someone may have listened to this logic today as his hour was coming, but then a call from the Supreme Court – the highest court in the land – came in and denied this request for stay, likely just wanting an end to the ‘drama.’ So in the end, an innocent life may have been lost because the possibility of searching for justice was veto’d by the ‘big dicks of the court’ in the 11^th hour. The whole ‘reasonable doubt’ jargin got put on pause I guess. It was more important to end the media circus, leave a closed case closed and not have to admit mistakes or the possibility of police coercion in our legal system. I’m not even mad anymore, I’m just numb and introspective. Lesson learned: Live your life right, stay on the right side of the law and out of the legal system; you’re not guaranteed a fair shake once you’re in there. Value your life because it’s not a given that the establishment will. I have a close homeboy from high school - serving 5 times as long for armed robbery (with a bebe gun) as someone I ran track with served for homicide – who can attest (keep your head up Josh). Just like with those 22 years served, your life is gone once it’s gone, no getting it back. So if nothing else, Troy sounded like he was at peace with God, and I hope his life helps this message spread and save future people from the same fate. But guess what, before you go anti-America, remember that this is still amongst the best legal systems in the world. In China, he would have been shot in the head a couple weeks after trial and they would ignore all scrutiny from anyone. What a world we live in, right. On a sad day, here’s a little Real Talk.

Real Talk: Black Men and Black Women, Intersecting Stigmas

DISCLAIMER: This entry features many generalizations, obviously there is no way to break down every man-woman situation at once. So please the save the "That's bullshit, I'm not like that" for someone else. If u're not like this, cool, ignore it. Please also consider the possibility that u may be this way but haven't taken an honest look in the mirror. Enjoy...

Age and increased interaction with the opposite sex results in more opinion and curiosity about how things work the way they do between each. After my experiences and watching the movie "The Diary of A Tired Black Man," I have gained new perspective on a subject I hadn't previously thought deeply about. What the movie calls "Angry Black Woman Syndrome" (ABWS) has a potential to directly intersect with the American circumstances that create the "Angry Black Man." ABWS is often caused influences such as woman being bitter from past relationships, the absence or distrust of father figure, and influences from other women. Obviously, there are countless movies and even now whole networks (Lifetime Movie Channel, etc.) dedicated to showing the ways that men mess up relationships; whether it's cheating, physical abuse, abandonment, etc. Which can also turn scorned baby's mothers into vessels for negativity, "Your father ain't shit. Men ain't shit" etc, in the absence of males. This can force women not to try to find their flaws - possibly trust, dependence, defensiveness, jealousy, over-independence, incessant nagging, etc - but to focus all their attention, and consequently all the blame, on the men (I can point u to ten guys I know who will tell u "Fa real, fa real, I ain't shit. I'm just a squirrel in the world tryna bust a nut", but how many women u know who will tell u that they're not "wifey" material right now because of their own flaws?) This can create a scenario where women have unrealistic or contradictory expectations - possibly in inappropriate proportions - which you expect from men despite it being implausible. How do you expect a guy to be openly emotional and sensitive yet strong and unflinching? a panther to fight for what he believes yet a puppy who will say "Yes ma'am" when she wants something of him? To be wealthy without having to ever choose business over them? To be nice and wholesome, while still asshole and crazy enough for them not to get bored? The man who every woman wants but only wants her, even if she treats him like shit? A man can't be all of those things on the same front at the same time. They can become irrational; especially in improper proportions. It attraccts some women to the wrong things entirely when searching for the right man. I know plenty of women who will take the excitement and 'swag' over the manners and ambition anyday. Yet if it doesn't work out, she doesn't see any flaw in her decision. It's all HIS fault in their eyes and the eyes of those conspiracy theorist friends who been talking shit since day one of the relationship. Don't you think it's strange that four single chicks who can't keep men may try so hard to break up the happy relationship of the only one in the crew with a good man?

Which brings me to the "Angry Black Man." I consider my self a fairly laid back dude. But I can tell that Angry Black Man is in me. He rears his head from time to time, but he's deep within me. There are many who wear this man on their sleeve, ready to jump out at the any opportune moment. This has side effects, just as ABWS has them on women; but slightly different. As Black men coming up in America, we have been taught since birth (those who have had good male role models in their lives) that nothin will be given to u, a hundred doors may be slammed in ur face, u have to keep fighting to be ready when the right one cracks open a little bit for u. This can lead to a several things as far as women, including the "Fine, if she don't want me, the next chick will" attitude and those "I won't take no for an answer" brothers; depending on self-control, confidence and temperment factors. Another early lesson is if u really believe in something, think it out and stand up for it with reason, not emotion. Just as with doors being slammed in your face, emotion is weakness, and although it is felt, it can not be succumbed to. For this reason, men are quick to let u know that u've hurt them; "can't let em see u sweat." If a man does allow himself to be open and vulnerable and he gets hurts, his door is gonna close even tighter for the next person. As less emotional beings, it takes even more of a toll however we may try to repress it within. Also, authority is automatically questioned; that "don't tell me what to do" reflex. This explains many male responses to ultimatums and scenarios where instinctual responses may take over before he has even truly weighed the pros and cons of the consequences. And most importantly, I repeat most importantly (to many, but not all, once again, we're dealing with generalities) is the point that when the rest of the world- society, work, traffic, bills, etc - is providing u chaos that u have to fight thru, u want to come home and have peace; therefore, u need a home situation and woman who is helping u to find that peace. If u come home to constant fighting or nagging, it feels less like somewhere u want to be and more like another place u want to escape from. All of these things inevitably effect the way men react to different issues as they arise in relationships. U can imagine how I man lookin for peace and a woman arguing to 'manufacture' excitement might not mix. U can imagine how a woman who expects him to be emotionally open might become discouraged that his boundary walls aren't dropping as fast as his (but I still contend that no chick wants to see her man cry, that's "too" emotional. How many niggas u know who cry on the regular and survive the relationship?). I think men and women have to take time to understand themselves - our strengths, weakness, flaws, etc - and then be open and honest to find a relationship situation that lasts. It will help us break through outdated inconsistencies, gender roles gone wrong, and double standards which keep women saying "There's no good Black men" and men saying "There are no good Black women." Becuz as publicized as men's problems are, it goes both ways, believe me. I recently spoke to a close female friend of mine who is perfect on paper (beautiful, good future, smart, ambitious, etc) but has major control and trust issues and can't be honest enough with herself to admit it. If my homeboy came back from a first date and told me a chick said the things she said to me, my response would be "Get away from her, this chick is psycho." There are many ppl on both sides who think they're "that good one being overlooked" that have these kind of issues but don't know it. We gotta tone down the attitude and ego and be real with ourselves so we can be real with each other. It's essential to ensuring the continuity of progressive Black ppl going into the future. I don't want us to keep losing good Black men and good Black women to the Caucasians. That's right, I said it. Racist, I Know. I've Been Called Worse...

Comments encouraged. I just ask that all comments come from a place of thought out questioning or criticism, not quick-handed emotion response because u don't like somethin I said. Real Talk...

Real Talk: An Unpleasant Ride, A Cautionary Tale

Last night was a voyage I will never forget and hope to never duplicate. I went out to the Hard Rock Cafe in Kuala Lumpur. I went out there with my Malay Indian coworker from work; he knows the manager. He's a cool dude, but I can tell he has a tendency to go overboard if u let him. A month before I arrived he totaled his former car because he fell asleep at the wheel and ran into a wall. So whenever we go out to drink with him (because he's usually driving) I always try to keep an eye on him. The other few times we've done it, he's held himself together and not drunk much. Last night, I saw the ugly side. After a few jugs of beer (all they seem to drink here), I, clearly the more sober, decide that I'm good so I don't need anymore beer and I KNOW he doesn't need anymore beer. As I look at him, his eyes and his balance just aren't quite where they should be. So I turn down the offer from the manager. However, I go to the bathroom and come back to another jug of beer. At this point, I kind of have to tone down my fun and surrender my buzz to get him out of this place. So I fight through the "...but we're not finished with our beer" and pull him out of there. I convince him it's a good idea to walk around for a while before he drives back (my license isn't valid here plus I don't know how to get back, so even though I'm fine, I shouldn't drive back), so we walk around downtown for 30-45 mins. We get in the car at 3:45 or so, I'm fighting my fatigue to keep an eye on my friend. He's been feeding me this "I'm fine, I wouldn't try anything stupid if I have a friend in the car with me" line all night, but I'm not buying it. So I'm watching him for about 20 mins, he seems alright. He's driving slow, which isn't a bad thing, so I think he's gonna b ok. I accidentally dose off. I wake up, it's 5:15 and the car is driving real choppy and slow, and he has the blinkers on. The car is driving choppy because for some reason, he now has the parking brake on....on the highway. I'm like "Man, it's been over an hour, where are we?" His response "Yeah, I don't know what happened, I was going the wrong way." At this point, I'm truly a little scared. Like once again, my full attention turns to him, the road, and the signs. If we're closest to his spot, we should go there and I can sleep it off. If we closest to mine, we can go there and he can sleep it off. But we have to get home and off the roads. His niece, who is always bugging/checking up on him calls and I get a good idea. Let's go wherever she is and if she's in the car, she will nag/bug him or she can drive. So we do that. At this point, I can dose off. I wake up at my apartment at about 6:15 am and as I'll leaving I'm giving her a pep talk, "please watch him closely. If you need to take over, take over." This is one of those events where if I were in Atlanta, or Charlotte, I would have either driven or just told him to park the car and figured something else out. Because I didn't know exactly where we were beyond just being downtown somewhere far from where we stay, I handled things a little differently. Still looking back, I feel like it may have been safer to tell him to park the car anyway. But hindsight is 20/20. But all in all, it made for a scary experience and now I see that my friend truly needs some help. I may have to bring my British roommate, who hasn't been drinking lately (can't hold his alcohol) and has a valid license here, along to be the designated driver or something man. It seems he still hasn't learned his lesson after totaling one car. It's sad to see. But the phrase "Friends don't let friends drive drunk" is true and I can't get it out of my head. Luckily nothing happened, but I don't want there to be a next time to chance it ever again. I'd recommend you do the same looking out for ur friends too. To steal a line from Jerry Spring "Take care of yourselves, and each other."

Real Talk: Putting Life in Perspective

Yesterday, for a little while, I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. My entire chest cavity tightened up to the point where I was in intense pain to move and couldn't really take a deep breath. I spent a lot of the day in the health center getting EKGs, chest X-rays, and other tests to try to figure out what is going on. I know know that even though something may be irregular, my life is not in any imminent danger; however, it contributes to my on-going habit of putting life in perspective. Lately, I've been stressed over a few different things: school work with this massive senior project, my on-going hamstring injury issues, automotive issues, sorting out all of these graduation preparations, figuring out where exactly I am going overseas in the fall, figuring out what I am doing all summer before I go overseas, etc. As I laid on my back on the EKG table with about 10 adhesive pads stuck to my chest, arms, and ankles(yep, ankles), I started thinking deeply - which I often do - and put things in perspective. I said to myself "Look at the things I'm so worried about, am I that selfish to be stressing that much about this stuff?" This senior project is the most massive single project I've ever had to do, it is cutting into both my sleep and my social life. But how many people from my little all-Black high school didn't even make it to college to get this opportunity. It's very heart-breaking that my once fairly successful and promising track career has been derailed due to a string of related and lingering hamstring issues. Jumping bad in front of so many people I know at ACCs was one of the most embarrassing track moments I can remember. But I used a little bit of talent to become an All-ACC athlete and got my education at one of the nation's best schools paid for through track. Plus this injury isn't one that will negatively affect my quality of life going into the future like so many football or basketball injuries, so Ima be fine. My car is acting stupid every time it gets a chance to and these issues costs money to fix. But much of the world doesn't have a car at their disposal to get wherever they want to go, and they don't complain about that. And yeah I need to definitely figure out where I'm going overseas to do my international internship. But how many people will ever get a chance to take advantage of an opportunity like that? I got plenty of friends who rarely leave their hometown cuz they're so scared to get out of their comfort zones. Getting an international experience is a blessing. And last but not least, yeah getting these hotel reservations together, designing, printing, and distributing graduation invitations, and trying to figure out post-graduation meal reservations is a little tedious. But how many people do I know at my school and otherwise who made it to college but never made it to this point? I've seen so many fall by the way-side. Less than 30% of Americans, less than 20% of African-Americans, and about 1% of the world has graduated from college, so I'm doing ight. I got friends that have been killed, are serving long (life long in one came) prison bids, have flushed their lives down the toilet and a multitude of other things. To quote an MC that I love, Phonte from Little Brother, "I could be mad about a whole lotta shit, but at the end of the day, I'm still here" and despite all obstacles and headaches, I have a chance to do big things. I don't plan on letting that go to waste. Gotta make lemonade out of all these lemons and keep pressing on. Real Talk...

Real Talk: My Biggest Fear, Failure

For this installment of Real Talk, we're gonna discuss my fear of failure. There are a lotta ppl who are deftly afraid of snakes, spiders, hurricanes, germs, and anything else you can think of. Things that cause danger obviously can scare me but failure is the only thing that could keep me up at night. I come from a family or productive people who accomplished more and more as the generations roll along. No one is immensely rich or famous, but everyone has carved out a nice education and life for themselves. Whether it is retiring from the military, getting a master's degree, working for the government or whatever the situation may be. There are a few "bad apples" who are few and far between but no stories of whole households falling to drugs, no homeless members bouncing between family members' houses and leeching money, no hardened criminals who are destined to be incarcerated forever. They never would deliberately add pressure on me to do anything, but inside I always feel that I owe it to my family and everyone who helped me become who I am to succeed. Failure, as far as not becoming at least a productive and self-sustaining person, is simply unacceptable. At times, the thought of not achieving at least what I previously mentioned truly does frighten me. I know the picture is too small, but double-click it and read the enlarged caption; it's fairly powerful. I can't be the first Orr not to become a role model and respectable figure. I don't think I'd be able to show my face around the people I love and respect so much if i did. So I've had to convince, no....decide to myself that it is simply not an option. To discuss things in car terms, I had to remember that I am the best and newest model of Orr, and even more important of young Black man. In May, I will be the newest model of Georgia Tech graduate. And therefore I'm offered advantages to achieve even more than the old model. This mentality has done fairly well for me that last 22 yrs. Things will change astronomically over the few years as I move into the post-college, post-athletic, business world where responsibilities and opportunities change so greatly; this poses its own set of challenges and obstacles that must be overcome along the way. The scary part is knowing how to handle what comes - when to be bold, when to go with the flow, when to hop way out on faith, when to regroup and rethink, etc. However, that is my burden to bear and the only way to rise above my fear is to prevent it from coming to fruition. Wish me luck. Real Talk...

Real Talk: the Drug Game and our Community

No cheaps laughs today, some more Real Talk. I'm addressing another problem that is killing the Black Community on so many different levels: Drugs, Usage and the Temptation to Sell. It's causing young Black men to abandon their attempt to get educations, it's created a war on the streets, the addiction has broken apart countless homes and communities, and consequently jails and morgues are filling up with Black faces. It's imperative that we as a community convey the message that our youth need to go to college, get good jobs and get outta the hood. I went to high school in the hood, and I'll admit it right now, I was jealous of the dope boys in high school. As broke as I was, they were making hella money dealing in the bathrooms during lunch. Then they'd gamble it away playing craps, like that money didn't mean shit to them. For those who lived in the hood, I wouldn't b surprised if the dope boys were the only ones with money that people see on a regular basis on their streets. The Thundercats, as I call em, had money and pull and I can see how youngsters in poor homes can see that and admire them (Like the movie 'Paid In Full'). Unless u got a future in music or sports (which still take time and commitment), the dope game looks like the most direct route to the money. But u gotta resist and overcome, cuz that game ain't forever. Most dudes deep in the game will tell you, they trying to live it up and ball out the hardest while they got it, cuz they don't expect it to last. As u move up the ladder, try to do what u gotta do to get more money in the game, u start gettin more attention from everybody, including the haters and law enforcement. Dudes get killed over jealousy, turf, and other bullshit. All of a sudden ur homeboys, ur inner circle may start seein things a little different than before and they could change up on u too. U already know how the cops and legal system will do. Most of the people in jail are in there on drug charges. That's the easiest way for cops to get their numbers up, cuz dope boys r easy to find; they're on every corner in every hood. Don't let them start squeezin info outta somebody and find out ur other dirt, then Johnny Law could have u on somethin serious. We gotta help our own kind to make it past the game. We have some problems we have to overcome to help things out:

Impatience with Schools and the School Route
It may seem hard to stay in school as long as it takes to get to where u wanna be. There's 4 years of high school, at 4 expensive ass yrs of college, then gotta get a job and move up the ladder some before you make that real bread; u can make money out on the streets immediately. It may seem even harder if ur surrounded by people who don't expect to get outta the hood or graduate so they don't even try. It's hard to force urself to do ur homework when ur friends r out running the streets and not even thinking about theirs. Plus, schools in the hood aren't the ideal environment anyway. A lot of them are so bad that the teachers are trying to keep the behavior under control more than actually teaching; they're gonna socially promote most of the kids anyway cuz they wanna get them outta there. There's fights and disruptions all over the place which makes it hard for those who actually are trying to learn something. Black men are now statistically more likely to go to jail than graduate college, that's tragic.

Inherent Problem With Authority
I'm not sure where it came from, but in the hood I ran into so many people who have this tremendous distrust and overall disdain for any figures of authority. I believe it's a combination of the too common broken family structure in the Black Community (something like 70% of Black homes now don't have fathers as an everyday presence), distrust through bad interaction with law enforcement and the legal system, and the overall hard attitude it takes to survive in a cut throat, hood environment. I can understand rebelling against bad or corrupt leadership and I'm by no means saying that all authority figures are worthy of your respect. However, I'm talking about people who had a problem with leadership for no real reason at all. Principals, teachers, coaches, anybody who asked them to do ANYTHING. Rebels without a cause. It's like the natural reflex is "You Ain't My Daddy. I Ain't listening to you." This attitude is particularly detrimental because in schools becuz refusing to listen to teachers is going to do u more harm (by causing ur own grades to nosedive) than proving anything to anyone. So those with this attitude toward authority of any and all kind are the type that would avoid a place like a school as it is filled with supposed authority. They may be more comfortable in the anarchy of the streets.

Lack of Productive Activity and Family Support
Sports and other such activities did a lot for me in my younger years which is why I've come to swear by them. They gave me something to focus my energy on, helping me build up a work ethic. Seeing that hard work result in improvement and success helped to boost my confidence. That confidence helped me resist peer pressure and bad decisions becuz I didn't want to mess up what I had made for myself. Furthermore, I didn't want to let down my family and mentors, all those that had supported me for so long; all those people who helped me develop as a student, an athlete, and a person. I understand that I have a much better family structure than so many in the hood, which is why it becomes important to develop a relationship with a role model or mentor to help young people who don't have one in the household. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I was at practice during those hours between when school ends and the parents come home from work, the perfect hours to be getting into trouble. I believe that constructive activity/hobbies are crucial to keeping young people on the right track as far as development. It may help our communities save so many more young people from using or selling drugs.

"Ready to Die" mentality
I used to believe that drug dealers ignored the threat of getting hurt, killed, or locked up becuz they thought they were invincible and it could never happen to them. There's some truth to that and that is how it appears on the surface; however the truth is much sadder. It's become a badge of honor to killed or 'pinched' on the streets. They consider themselves street soldiers and therefore death or doing time from the struggle is considered honorable like a soldier being killed at war. That's part of why things escalate so quickly when people get mad. It factors into these people getting killed for nothing. Life isn't as valuable as honor or reputation for many. We have to instill the value of life and maximization of the precious time we spend on Earth to our youth. They seem to have been getting the wrong messages from everyone else.

Lack of Exposure
One thing other cultures have done a lot more of than Black Americans is exposing their youth (and themselves) to the world. It's easier to convince urself that everything is possibly when u can think outside of ur current situation and community. There are so many in the hood who have never left their city limits or state, much less the country. That can cause a level of close-mindedness and a very small scope of thought. Traveling not only offers a refreshing break to the tenseness and pressure of life in the hood, but it can open eyes to so much that we never would have imagined.

I could go on for ages about things we could do to help ourselves with this situation. But at this point, more than the actual action of selling and using drugs, there is a drastic change of mindset needed to make it out of the hood. We have to build up a sense of confidence in the youth that they can overcome everything going on and become whatever they aspire to be as long as they're willing to do it the right way. We also need to eliminate the hopelessness that leads to people ruining their productive lives by becoming strung out on drugs.WE ARE SELLING DRUGS TO OURSELVES KILLING OUR COMMUNITIES. If u consider it a war in the streets, we're on both sides, meaning we're the only ones getting killed. We're dealing to ourselves, meaning our households are the ones suffering. Every dealer u see killed or junkie u see strung out is someone's son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, or whatever; In close knit communities, they could be kin to someone u kno. So as hard as it may seem at times, as tempting as the prospect of instant money and power is, it's simply not worth it. The rewards that come from education and legit business are worth the wait for delayed gratification. It will last and you can be proud of not having to sacrifice the lives of others in your community to get it. We gotta take better care of ourselves and our communities, or we won't have to much left. No games, that's Real Talk...

Real Talk: We're Losing Too Many of Ours

This blog will not be filled with the usual level of humor, bufoonery, or catch phrases you may be looking for, just a somber level of reflection actually; If this upsets you, please look at one of the other posts because this one is not for you, this is some Real Talk. This blog comes on the wheels of me finding out that yet another high school classmate of mine was killed in Charlotte earlier this week. Unfortunately, I haven't shed any tears. I say unfortunately because this is far from the first situation of this nature I have had to deal with since I came to school. Then, after discussing the issue with my older brother, I realized something that I had never explicitly thought about before; these people who are having their lives taken were people who could have had futures and went on to lead productive lives. I mean, going to school in the middle of the hood the way I did, you run into people who you feel like are destined for either prison or an early grave. When the public hears about Black people in the hood, men in particular, being killed at an early age it's comforting to think "He was probably into things he shouldn't be into. He was probably a bad kid who had it coming eventually." That gives the listener just enough sense of fate about the situation that it's no longer as tragic to them. The general public isn't sad when a perceived "menace" or "delinquent" is killed. But these aren't the people I've had to see buried and see their families mourned. I'm not saying these were honor students like the honor student killed by student in Chicago, because that isn't the case. They were from the hood, so they may have a little more attitude than average; but these were people who could make it out of the hood, make it to school somewhere, led out a decent life with some family. The most recent victim was just a chill dude who liked dancing and cracking jokes who was killed over a petty argument, my high school football teammate got killed waiting at a bus stop after getting his hair rebraided, my homeboy's running mate got killed for nothing at a party, another classmate's cousin got killed at a party in Hidden Valley, another homeboy's football teammate got killed over a silly argument. Furthermore, my old AAU and high school track coach (in his 30's) committed suicide shortly after his nephew, who I grew up running track with and who is an NFL hopeful standout scholarship athlete at Louisville, survived gunshots in the back after an argument defending his girl in a club. I was involved in a group fight in which my homeboy got stabbed 4 places and had to be rushed to the hospital with a collapsing lung. And quite frankly, the fight was over nothing but guys bumping gums back and forth. It's dangerous just to be young and Black these days. I mean, even average Black people with no criminal ties or true enemies are just ridiculously close to death or danger all the time. I don't think you can find anyone who would consider me a thug or delinquent and I know this many people who been killed, shot or stabbed short of 25, in most cases short of 20 years old. I don't feel like the white person has people they actually know (like if they saw them they would dap them up and spend a second or two exchanging pleasantries or more) who are doing prison time or have been victims of violent crime. I'M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT. I know Charlotte ain't Chicago or New Orleans but something has to be done to stop these young Black men getting killed for nothing. I miss the days when arguments were settled with fists. But even more important, I feel like people just have to realize how much there is to life. Then they may not be so ready to take away another life and risk/ruin their own lives. So for anyone reading this, spread the word to every person, especially Black person, you know to take care of themselves and be smart about how they deal with people. There are issues that mean enough to stand for, even in the face of death, but they are few and far between. Most of the people we are losing are being lost for little or nothing. If we don't stop them, no one else will. So I'll leave you with a song that has brought me comfort in the face of all of the aforementioned deaths and convictions. I call this Real Talk becuz this is some of the realest shit I ever wrote; it almost brought tears writing it. Rest in peace Travis, Daniel, Terrence, Bit Trent, Stowe and Moon...