Halloween 2012

First and foremost, yes, I know. That picture is absolutely disgusting and the person wearing it paid to present themselves this way. Since I've been an adult, I"ve found Halloween to be an interesting time of year for lots of reasons. It's not exciting for other reasons that don't involve shopping bags full of candy that end up being savagely consumed in about a week. As an adult, this time of year is both a relief and a source of comedy. The process of making a costume is a way to let your hair down as an adult. You can even get frustrated because your costume isn't exactly how you want it to be (Ex. I had to settle for a cigar rather than a pipe to complete my Hugh Hefner outfit because I refused to use a corn cob pipe when I was going more for the Sherlock Holmes pipe look). Also, when you go out to grown up Halloween parties, there is usually no shortage of two things: unorthodox costumes made of some combination of ingenuity/convenience/douchebaggery (see tampon costume pictured above), and typically women trying to use show off their sexiness. The Halloween party I attended Saturday night had a little bit of both but not in optimal ways. Some of the costumes in the building included an Afrocentric demon, Pai Mei (the old Chinese kung fu instructor from "Kill Bill" with the white hair), and the one that beat me out for "Funniest Costume", the half naked squatter. Literally, he was in the party wearing nothing but black underwear briefs and black socks. Imagine how uncomfortable it is to be sitting on a couch and a dude sit beside you wearing nothing but drawls and socks. What if his thigh skin makes contact with me or something? That's not cool, I show up for parties looking to make inappropriate contact with women, not men. His exposed banana hammock was making me uncomfortable. As for the women trying to show off their sexiness...they tried to missed badly. The main women trying to show off their sexy were the ratchets. One was dressed as a nurse, the other a gangster, each with a lot of skin showing in a way that made you wonder if they were strippers from a low budget brothel and a shameful bachelor party was about to break out; those costumes may have fit each 20 lbs prior. It was quite shameful. Quite possibly my favorite part of this time of year though is the endless stream of horror movies; mostly terribly unrealistic or predictable. I find them hilarious in several ways. There may or may not be extra low budget camera work, there's terrible acting, worse decision making by the movie's characters, etc. Despite the fact that they're being chased by a murderer who doesn't run or move fast, they always find a way to fall, start crawling, pick an obvious hiding place/run upstairs where the stairs are the only access, become easily distracted and/or loud, etc and meet their demise. And these slasher killers...they don't eat, don't drink, don't shit, don't sleep, they don't even get women. And of course they don't die, meaning if I was in one of those movies, instead of shooting them or stabbing them a time or two and turning my back, I'd be cutting heads off and burning them... movie over; hence why I they'd never base a horror movie character on me. The horror movie industry wouldn't survive if the young Black male (typically first to die) gets smart and kills and dismembers the killer 28 minutes into the movie. I was watching these movies the entire time Hurricane Sandy was dumping rain on my house. So all in all, despite the fact that it's become commercialized to the poing where people have lost sight of its true origins (like Christmas), I enjoyed my Halloween fun and I hope everyone else did the same. Enjoy the holiday and stay safe from the hurricane.

Uncontested ratchetness.

Upon further review, I met with the council (it consists 3 members: me, myself, and I) and have determined that the trio I shared an elevator with in Atlanta may have been the most ratchet group I've ever been in the presence of. Here's the kicker...nothing dramatic happened. Usually when you think of ratchetness, someone is being loud, ignorant, belligerent, inappropriate, etc. 90% of that didn't happen. I was riding the elevator down to the hotel lobby with a friend and we stop on a floor where three individuals enter the elevator. As soon as the doors open, the smell of weed (possibly with something extra involved as well) and just a little bit of cheap "smell good" (possibly Axe) punch me in the face like a quick jab to the nose...on an elevator. It takes me 10 seconds to remember that's it's not even lunch time yet. That's what Snoop used to call "the wake and bake" I guess. As they have a calm, louder than normal but not yet inappropriate conversation about their respective choice of drug to help them sleep soundly through a long plane ride, I take a closer look at them one-by-one. There are two women and one guy, all in about their late 20s or early 30s. The guy has on a smedium V-neck white tee, keeping the shirt simple so the jewelry on his neck and wrist can steal the show; also to put the interconnected tats covering his arms, chest, and neck on display. The belt on his jeans is keeping them secured right at the very bottom of his butt, entire ass full of drawls on display because of aforementioned smedium shirt. He has a flame like design on the side of his head, the type you probably couldn't wear to a good job because it would be seen as unprofessional. The first woman I see is a thick chick (a lotta woman) who is wearing an outfit she clearly bought 30 lbs (12 of those in the stomach) ago. Her weave was either 6 weeks old, or was only worth about $6, I'm not sure which. It looked like recycled roadkill.  The other visual catastrophe from where I was standing (behind her) was the colorful yet indistinguishable tattoo running from one shoulder to the other. I couldn't figure out the motivation of it...or the purpose. The second woman was about as thick but slightly more dumpy. She had the official hoodrat "I want hair down to my butt but bangs to my eye lashes in the front" weave; which she was scratching profusely with her acrylic nails. Her clothing selection seemed to be an attempt to taste the rainbow; I couldn't establish which colors were dominant and therefore which colors didn't match the others. She had "unprofessional piercings" (I'm a fan of sexy piercings on sexy ppl, on her, it just looked nasty) and her tattoos likely numbered in the dozens. One tattoo in particular caught my attention and may have been the most ratchet in my memory. She had the Louis Vuitton pattern going from her shoulder to her elbow area. Not one symbol, not one strip of it, her entire upper arm had the pattern of a handbag. I'm glad they never turned around and saw me, I was stuck between contemplating a laugh and a look of awe from what I was witnessing. They were putting an all out assault on almost all of my senses; the smell was so pungent that I felt like they would taste terribly as well. It was simultaneously entertaining, informative, and embarrassing as a young Black observer of this. I never thought I'd see that level of ratchetness in calm situation. U learn something every day I guess. Am I being overly judgemental? Maybe. I've Been Called Worse...

Swag Must Die: NBA Shameful Fashion

I realize that ego helps world class athletes become successful, I realize that such ego can manifest itself into swagger, and furthermore that swagger makes someone want to be the center of attention. But I don't get how that became "I got money, I can buy whatever and I'm still gonna be the man when I wear it." The confidence becomes unbridled eccentricity and becomes the things that u see below. This probably happens across the major sports, but for today i will focus on the NBA players and commentators. Take a look at this buffoonery:

Kobe, Kobe, Kobe. U want me to seriously consider u being the best player or Laker in history? Beyond the fact that I don't like u as a person, this is not helping get more respect from ANYONE. Even as bad as MJ and Magic can dress, I've never seen them wearing blouses.
Which one is Shaq and which one is Grimace? lol. As if it's not bad enough to pay whatever it costs to make a purple suit for a 7'2" 350 lb man, he had the audacity to pay extra make it a three piece suit. He probably paid a pretty penny to get some custom size 24 purple and silver gators or something too. Congrats u have the tools to be Grimace or Barney any Halloween u'd like.
Wow, Sam Perkins has a box in the front and dreds in the back but ppl didn't even notice cuz MJ's cum stained jeans r stealing all the attention...in all the wrong ways. LOL. Even if u were gonna by that (Already borderline offensive), ur gonna wear it with an outfit that demands either slacks or neat pressed jeans? G.O.A.T. or not, between this and the Hitler mustache (we won't even criticize executive decision making), it's not a good look MJ.
This nigga here, he don't even have a shirt on. It's straight leopard skin on nigga skin. He look worse than Tyrese with denim suits and no shirts on in 95 degree L.A. weather. He looked in the mirror at that outfit and said "U know wut, I'm so fly I don't need a shirt or even a white beater to go with this. I'm fly as it," Times like that, someone should have politely slapped the shit out of him before he walked out of the house.
Chocolate Thunder himself. It takes a lot of 1960's curtain fabric to make this suit for a man this tall. Did he buy this for an "ugly jacket" contest during the holiday season and run with it? I don't know. I guess when u get old but aren't in the limelight, u look for ways to display ur swagger and reclaim some of ur shine. I bet he picked up some 46 yr old woman in this that night too.
Craig Sager, the most consistently eccentric man in the world of sports production. He probably walks through normal suit shops and scoffs at all these simple and classy business man kind of suits. He probably mutes the State of the Union Address and ridicule how plain Obama looks in his conservative suit. I think he shops at the same suit shop as the Riddler and the Joker in Gotham City. He has a new colorful and extra textured suit every night. This man's closet is probably as colorful as a Skittles factory; I'd probably feel like I was trippin on acid with all the colors I'd see.
The man, the myth, the legend. Walt Clyde Frazier is Swag Personified in NBA History. Even in his playing days, he used to come with a cape on and such. But this here is shameful. I thought he was gonna do a commercial with the cows telling me to "Eat More Chicken." He probably uses pick up lines talking about "milking" while he's wearing this number.

These are but a few offenders, there are MANY MANY more, but this gives u a good sample. Directly in contrast of Soulja Boy's song, these cats need to turn their swag OFF. That swag must die. Unlike many cold guys (including my Air Force father), I do believe that personality and uniqueness keeps American sports entertaining. But sometimes that personality forces a full on assault of my vision when I'm watchin TV. C'mon Guys. Much respect to how well u gentlemen do what u do. But please guys, Do Better...
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