Do Better: Malaysia, Part One

I named this installment of Do Better a part one because I'm fairly sure more will be coming before I return to the US. Some things that are different here are simply the result of cultural difference. But in some ways, there's no better way to say it than "They're really just fucking up." I'll keep it brief, I wish I had pics of all the stuff. But even though I don't, trust that I'm tellin the truth....

• It's 2010, why are there so many men, young and old, still walking around with their collars popped? What r u on the "Real World" from 2001 or something? Do u hang with the cast from "Saved By the Bell"? The caption on the picture to the right expresses my sentiment; just exchange the word"fag" with "douchebag." I hope his head is turned away from the camera because the cameraman just punched him very hard...
  
• I see at lot of Floyd Patterson and Johnny Unitas haircuts over here. Guys are going to the barbershops and paying money to look like fools. Those haircuts lost popularity in like the late 60's. If u have that now u either hang with Chris Mullens or only live near military barbershops...
  
• Ight, I will start by saying I'm not a big fan of guys in sandals in the first place. However, if u're a guy and u are wearing sandals, u either gotta go with the toe thongs or the ones with the strap going all the way over. I've seen entirely too many guys in sandals that look like they are intended for 5 year old girls (observe picture to right). Looking like u bought them at Rainbow in Freedom Mall (reference for my Charlotte folks). Did they really look at those in the store and combine the two thought "I'm feeling these, I'm buying them" and "These are definitely made for guys." If so, they need prayer...
  
• These different ATMS for different functions are bullshit. U go in a back and there's an ATM lobby with like 6 machines. U can only withdraw cash from two of them, u can't deposit into the same one u're withdrawing from, u can't deposit cash in the same one u can deposit cash into, etc. A serious waste of machinery to me, where's the efficiency? SMH..
  
• If I use the bathroom at night, go to bed, wake up, go to work for 10 hours, and I get back and the bathroom randomly smells terrible (not even like number 2 sustained, but randomly terrible), that means that something about the plumbing is sub-par. I don't wanna have to explain to company that it's not me, it's just the piping in the bathroom. SMH
• Being that locals like to eat traditional Indian or Malay food with their hands sometimes, ample quality soap needs to be located by the sinks. It's bad enough they're slack on both paper towels and toilet paper; toilet paper is sometimes only found by the sinks in place of paper towels
• Speaking of toilet paper, don't think I say 'they don't have toilet paper' as in they're temporarily out of toilet paper. I mean they had no plans of ever having toilet paper. You'll just see a hose, to be used as a poor man's bidet. I was told "it's fun, just make sure u aim before u shoot." I flatly refuse. SMH once again...
• I saw a Black guy, probably African but possibly not, who was bald on 80% of his head and had dreds on his front lobe rubber banded together into a short pony tail. Nuff said. I was trying so hard to get a picture without being blatantly obvious but I couldn't find a way. To be fair, I won't charge that one to Malaysia. That was the monumental failure of one man and one man alone. The phrase "I blame who let you leave the house like that" is a tremendous understatement. I'm mad at him, whoever did his hair, patronized him to boost his confidence, even anyone who was talking to him and ignored the urge to smack him repeatedly; all of the aforementioned ppl deserve to be back-handed, humiliated, and rolled down a mountain in an oil drum filled with fecal matter. I don't know this man but I wept for him...
  

I will inevitably encounter more noteworthy blunders and shameful embarrassments while I am here in Malaysia. And sense I'm judgmental for the sake of comedic value, that means that more of these posts will come. Stay tuned, foreigners trying to imitate Western culture, or even blend it with their own, when they tend to be decades behind in some aspects of fashion or technology becomes hilarious. It's my duty to ridicule them to add humor to my descriptions of my new temporary home....

Real Talk: An Unpleasant Ride, A Cautionary Tale

Last night was a voyage I will never forget and hope to never duplicate. I went out to the Hard Rock Cafe in Kuala Lumpur. I went out there with my Malay Indian coworker from work; he knows the manager. He's a cool dude, but I can tell he has a tendency to go overboard if u let him. A month before I arrived he totaled his former car because he fell asleep at the wheel and ran into a wall. So whenever we go out to drink with him (because he's usually driving) I always try to keep an eye on him. The other few times we've done it, he's held himself together and not drunk much. Last night, I saw the ugly side. After a few jugs of beer (all they seem to drink here), I, clearly the more sober, decide that I'm good so I don't need anymore beer and I KNOW he doesn't need anymore beer. As I look at him, his eyes and his balance just aren't quite where they should be. So I turn down the offer from the manager. However, I go to the bathroom and come back to another jug of beer. At this point, I kind of have to tone down my fun and surrender my buzz to get him out of this place. So I fight through the "...but we're not finished with our beer" and pull him out of there. I convince him it's a good idea to walk around for a while before he drives back (my license isn't valid here plus I don't know how to get back, so even though I'm fine, I shouldn't drive back), so we walk around downtown for 30-45 mins. We get in the car at 3:45 or so, I'm fighting my fatigue to keep an eye on my friend. He's been feeding me this "I'm fine, I wouldn't try anything stupid if I have a friend in the car with me" line all night, but I'm not buying it. So I'm watching him for about 20 mins, he seems alright. He's driving slow, which isn't a bad thing, so I think he's gonna b ok. I accidentally dose off. I wake up, it's 5:15 and the car is driving real choppy and slow, and he has the blinkers on. The car is driving choppy because for some reason, he now has the parking brake on....on the highway. I'm like "Man, it's been over an hour, where are we?" His response "Yeah, I don't know what happened, I was going the wrong way." At this point, I'm truly a little scared. Like once again, my full attention turns to him, the road, and the signs. If we're closest to his spot, we should go there and I can sleep it off. If we closest to mine, we can go there and he can sleep it off. But we have to get home and off the roads. His niece, who is always bugging/checking up on him calls and I get a good idea. Let's go wherever she is and if she's in the car, she will nag/bug him or she can drive. So we do that. At this point, I can dose off. I wake up at my apartment at about 6:15 am and as I'll leaving I'm giving her a pep talk, "please watch him closely. If you need to take over, take over." This is one of those events where if I were in Atlanta, or Charlotte, I would have either driven or just told him to park the car and figured something else out. Because I didn't know exactly where we were beyond just being downtown somewhere far from where we stay, I handled things a little differently. Still looking back, I feel like it may have been safer to tell him to park the car anyway. But hindsight is 20/20. But all in all, it made for a scary experience and now I see that my friend truly needs some help. I may have to bring my British roommate, who hasn't been drinking lately (can't hold his alcohol) and has a valid license here, along to be the designated driver or something man. It seems he still hasn't learned his lesson after totaling one car. It's sad to see. But the phrase "Friends don't let friends drive drunk" is true and I can't get it out of my head. Luckily nothing happened, but I don't want there to be a next time to chance it ever again. I'd recommend you do the same looking out for ur friends too. To steal a line from Jerry Spring "Take care of yourselves, and each other."

Stop Me When I Start Lying: Restaurants 'Pimpin' Their Workers in Malaysia

Before I start passing any kind of judgment, I’m gonna describe a situation and you think about it for a second and tell me what kind of job you think it sounds like I’m describing. Someone has the pull to smuggle, well, let’s say bring (without much resistance) beautiful women over from a nearby country. They provide them with a strictly controlled housing situation. They revamp their wardrobe and try to add some more ‘sexy’ to their image to enhance their attractiveness to the customer base. They put strict weight limits (enforced by expensive fines, $75/kilogram) on the women, give them cooks so they don’t have to leave their place for food, control their transportation on a strict schedule to and from work, and enforce strict, unreasonable (9 pm for grown ass women) curfews on the women on their off days. Take a moment and let me know what you come up with. U thinking what I’m thinking? She works for Pimpin Ken off Moreland in East Atlanta; or the deep-voiced poet on HBO’s “Hookers at the Point” has told a rhyme about her. Even on the legal side, maybe high fashion or pageant model who needs to stay at 6’1, 90 lbs to make sure she doesn’t get booted out of the industry because she has enough meat that her ribs don’t show. Good guess, but wrong. This is what they do to the women who work in restaurants who do nothing more than come and sit at your table looking good, make conversation and ensure that you have a lot of fun and laughs while spending a lot of money obviously. I had a conversation with two Filipino women who are roommates and work at two different restaurants in this role. It sounds like they were granted visas to come live in Kuala Lumpur by an ‘agency’ just for the purpose of being one of a restaurant’s in-store table escorts. At first I was thinking there must be more to it than what they’re saying, like they may be turning tricks after work or something and don’t want to tell us. After all, this is the land of the reflexology massage parlors, which are constantly under investigation for ‘vice’ activities as the newspaper calls them; I guess this is where the US massage parlors (also employing most Asian women) got their “happy endings” from. But it seems like they were being honest when they said their driver is standing by precisely at the end of their shift to take them straight home when they get off work at midnight; the cook is still available if they are hungry also. Crazy. Maybe it’s legit. Maybe there’s an intense on-going competition about who has the hottest in-house escorts or something. Maybe all the guys who are legit business owners now used to be pimps and use the same business plan in their current business for how to attract men and control women that work for you. They say it’s the world’s oldest profession. I guess it wouldn’t have lasted if the business plan didn’t work. Stop Me When I Start Lying…