Do Better, Super Bowl 49 Edition: Overthinking in Crunch Time

For me to say that Pete Caroll and/or the [insert name of offensive coordinator]'s decision to throw the ball from the one yard line instead of handing it to Lynch or running a Wilson/Lynch read-option is a tremendous understatement. Like a "Yeah, Michael Jordan did turn out better than Sam Bowie" sized understatement. They wasted a very fortunate... well, lucky play immediately before that put them on the doorstep of stealing the Super Bowl. But Jermaine Kearse's equivalent of the Tyree helmet catch got completely wasted. I don't believe the conspiracy theory that this was a ploy to keep Lynch from being MVP and having unplanned camera time beside the commissioner. But whether or not it's true, it adds to the overwhelming feeling that way too much thought was given to that play selection rather than trusting either or your two best runners to get a yard on the ground. Imagine Phil Jackson saying "I would give it to MJ, but that's what they want me to do, Luc Longley can be depended on for our game winning shot." I still think Carroll is a great coach, but he fucked this one up and he deserves every side eye from his team and every wink of lost sleep he'll surely endure the rest of his life. Do Better...

Do Better: Hollywood's Biopic Binge

Hollywood has been following fads like crazy lately. In addition to super hero movies, reboots of older movies, and ill-advised sequels (hello, Transformers 4), the movie makers in Hollywood are committed right now to making biopics, or biographical movies. I'll say the same thing about this that I say when ppl ask me about hairstyles: I've seen them go well, and I've seen them go terribly. I get that they're just gonna follow the money even if it means creating a dogshit movie, but somebody has to raise the WTF flag is a movie about someone's life story is getting butchered; they gotta Do Better. Here are a few sentences about some of the ones upcoming:

• Nina Simone (starring Zoe Saldana) - No offense, but if they have to put you in black face to resemble the person you're portraying, your casting was a mistake; although a beautiful and talented mistake she was. A big part of Nina's aura was based around being afro-centric, very dark skinned, and not "conventionally beautiful", how exactly did they pick someone they have to make "less pretty"? Do Better...
• Whitney Houston (starring Yaya DaCosta) - Can Yaya's beautiful ass even act? Are we supposed to believe the young dude with the horribly fake gumby wig (who even makes that bullshit?) is Bobby Brown? You need some "cocaine experiences" to play Bobby. And why the fuck hasn't someone stopped Whitney's daughter Bobbi Kristina from fucking her adopted brother? That shit's nasty. Do Better...
• James Brown (starring Chadwick Boseman) - I didn't see it coming, but Jackie Robinson did well with the eccentric personality and killed the damn moves, I tip my hat to him. And his dance instructor deserves a raise; his mashed potato was legit. If only they closed the loop on any of the storylines in the movie, it would've been epic. Do Better...
• Jimi Hendrix (starring Andre "3000" Benjamin) - is there anyone in the music scene now who matches his aura and eccentricity better than 3 stacks? Then the family messed up the perfect casting but not letting them use his popular music. A Hendrix movie without "Purple Haze", "Voodoo Child" and "Kiss the Sky". WTF? Do Better...
• Miles Davis (starring Don Cheadle) - Although they're the same complexion, something about Miles just looks so Native American rather than Black somehow. But hey, it's Don fucking Cheadle, he'll make it work; even once he has to put on that silly ass wig to represent 80's Miles. Don't Let Me Down...
• NWA (starring Ice Cube Jr. and a lot of dudes you've never seen before) - I hope Cube, Dre, and company know what they're doing, because I can't vouch for anybody's acting ability. All the inevitably black leather, jheri curl activator, and rebelliousness might still not work if they can't convey the spirits of Eazy, Dre, and Cube in their youth. Don't Let Me Down..
• Richard Pryor (starring Mike Epps) - Go sit the hell down Nick Cannon. I question his acting chops and his comedic skills (he damn sure can't rap). Since Eddie Murphy doesn't look like him, and Marlon Wayans just doesn't quite feel right, I can't be mad at Epps. He's got the funny gene, but he's gotta prove himself. Don't Let Me Down...

And last but certainly not least...

• Tupac Shakur (casting TBD) - Who the fuck are you gonna find who can match Pac's unique energy? Especially someone who looks anything like Pac or is in the right age range? And what stories do you tell in addition to the obvious Pac & Big story? Pac and Jada? Pac and his Suge struggles? Young Pac and Jada Pinkett? Pac and the Black Panthers? There's a lot of figure out. They Better Deliver...

Do Better: Donald "The Dinosaur" Sterling Fucking Up

There's enough people re-hashing everything the Clippers owner said on the tape that now has people of all races requesting his dismissal as the team's owner. Everyone has re-hashed how deplorable his bigoted, racist, sexist antics have been. So I won't bother you with that again. I'll tell you simply the different ways that he just royally fucked up. I'll pull in a dark-skinned Black man, actor Bill Dukes, to help me make my point:

The secret's out:  We know he's not alone in his mind state sadly. He's from an era when rich white men could look down on, exploit, and mistreat minorities, women, or the poor without anyone thinking twice of it. He's paid his way out of having to fess up many times before; this time he got set up and caught. At least the other old bigots and racists learn to dust their tracks.

• Worse possible timing: He's been the laughing stock of the league for years and his franchise was branded undesirable to go to. They had just started making ground shedding his reputation as an cheap, out-of-touch, racist, sexist bastard because his team is now a legit title contender and a trendy destination. And the Lakers are in a downturn, so the opportunity is there. Now he's on the verge of being abandoned by his fans, coaches, and players.
• His dick got him in trouble: Yep, even at 80. Sterling's lawyer claimed that the woman who released the tape, his half-Black, half-Mexican mistress V. Stiviano, was trying to get him back for the lawsuit his family had against her. Well, SHE GOT HIS ASS. She pressed "record" and provoked him and he fell in the trap quickly.
• Forgot where he came from: He grew up poor and working with lower to lower middle class people in law. Now he's rich and maintains such feelings thinking that his money makes him bulletproof. Rich ppl cut ties with rich ppl who are "bad for business" quickly. You may have made yourself a lepper professionally.
• Using slave master language: His language about how he gives his players food, houses, and cars sounded much like how I'd imagine a slave master would highlight that his actions are justified by the food and shelter he provided the free labor on his plantation. Like I can only associate with the Black people I'm exploiting for money, noone else. I can only guess who Chris Paul felt hearing that.
• And most importantly...
• Wrong sport, wrong place, wrong time: You decided to buy an NBA team (the least white of the major sports leagues), which he moved from San Diego to Los Angeles (one of the most multi-cultural cities in the world). In 2014, you're trying to make ur multi-cultural girlfriend stop associating with basketball royalty like Magic Johnson? WTF? If you bought a hockey team and moved it to Idaho, you might not have these problems.

It's 2014 and the world has changed a great deal since the heyday of the mindset Sterling has illustrated to the world this week. Especially if he wants to keep young girlfriends who grew up in a more progressive world. The commissioner can't just snatch his team from him, but they need to find a way to add pressure or have a vote to get him out. Sponsors are leaving, fans are leaving, players and coaches may leave when their chance comes and he's turned a city against him that he was just starting to see slant his direction over the Lakers. Now ppl are waiting for you to be removed from his position whether by force, sale, or his death (sad but true). Take a bow you dinosaur, you've made quite a bed for yourself this time. I hope you're faced to sell it to Magic Johnson of all people and he spits in ur face right after the contract is signed. Do Better...

Do Better: NFL players f***king up with women

I'm lost on this. More people wanna talk about the Dolphins bullying and Michael Sam the gay prospect instead of some serous character flaws in successful current and former players. Maybe it's just me, if I feel like I need to put hands on my lady, I'm probably gonna "cancel her" (Nino Brown quote) before going Kimbo Slice on her. Plus because of my mom's crafty personality, I grew up believing my mom would get my dad back in his sleep if he ever put hands on her; I took that to heart. So when I saw the video of Ravens running back Ray Rice dragging his fiance out of the elevator of a casino after (allegedly) knocking her out cold. I've heard of couples having a fight cutting each other up a little bit, but she looked sleep like Manny Pacquiao after the Marquez fight. She looked like a World Star Hip Hop fight comp victim or something while he looked very non-chalant while dragging her (not carrying her, not throwing her over his shoulder, but dragging) and setting her on the hallway floor face down. I'll be the first to admit: I don't know what she did, she might have been just as culpable in things getting physical but yet and still, it's on you as a young Black man (much less a rich, recognizable young Black man) to keep the situation contained. If she's hitting you (which I don't condone either, women gotta stop using the "I'm a woman" excuse to beat the shit out of a dude) grab her to restrain her or something. Shit looks bad for Ray Rice right now. And following a subpar season anyway, you may have really fucked up. And now (drum roll please)...Darren motherfucking Sharper. ***closes eyes, shakes head*** I don't know where to start. The 'fine ass' (as reported by several women over the years) retired football player is accused of drugging and raping up to about 10 women in a few different states. They're calling this man a serial rapist. I'll repeat: he's "fine", in shape, famous, former athlete, well off (if not still str8 up rich) with a TV commentator position and you're drugging women and stealing the pussy? Are you fucking kidding me?? If you have any semblance of charm or personality (he got hired to be commentator after all), women should be throwing the box at you. Look above, this dude pulled Gabrielle Union back in the day for God's sake. How the fuck you go from that to stealing the box from everyday women? Are you drugging the few who say no? Are you drugging them to save time talking them up? I don't fucking understand. I realize these situations are still in the investigation stage and I may be jumping to early conclusion. But (excuse my N-word), these violating ass niggas need a preemptive Do Better...

Do Better: Ochocinco's Lacking Courtroom Manor

Today's study in misunderstanding the situation you're involved in is Chad Ochocinco (formerly Chad Johnson's) recent court date for domestic violence charges. Chad, the biggest self-promotion whore in recent NFL history, had a short-lived whirlwind marriage to reality Evelyn Lozada, who's hot-headed, unstable, and violent herself. What's the worse that could happen, right? Well, the marriage fell apart when Chad allegedly head-butted her during an impassioned argument. Chad's lawyer had worked out a plea deal for probation without jail time; the court appearance was a formality. The deal is finished, what's the worse that can happen? Well, Chad shows up to court in a short sleeved shirt and jeans. And at the end of the hearing, the judge, clearly resentful of Chad and the entire situation, asks Chad if he's satisfied with the deal his lawyer negotiated. Rather than a simple "yes, ma'am", Chad answers with something playful and slaps his lawyer on the ass, prompting the entire courtroom crowd to laugh. This upsets the judge to the point that she rescinds the plea dealing sentencing Chad to a month in prison. Let's break this down, the judge clearly abused her power by reneging on the plea deal (Chad only ended up serving one week), but that's not the story, Chad is. Regardless of whether the judge was an impulsive bitch for her actions, there are things you can't do which Chad did. First of all, you're in court. Wear a fucking suit; you've played over a decade of pro ball, you can afford one. Secondly and most importantly, when dealing with judges, police, or anyone else representing law enforcement or penal systems, take the situation seriously. You don't have to do something wrong/illegal to get shot or killed if you rub such officials the wrong way; ask the countless people who've been wrongfully incarcerated, wrongfully convicted, beaten, shot, or worse over a cop's or judge's bullshit. No matter how playful your personality, this is the time to be serious if there was ever one. Furthermore, if you're a young Black men with a less than glossy reputation who's in a white female judge's courtroom for domestic violence, don't expect her to have any extra tolerance for any bullshit. I'm not trying to get butt-fucked in a jail cell somewhere because even though the charges shouldn't have stuck, I pissed off the wrong officer or judge somewhere along the line. I like my sphincter intact and unexplored. Mr. Ocho-Johnson, Do Better. you may still have a job with your hometown Dolphins if you had.

Do Better: Ray J's Salty Ex Anthem

Brandy's little brother was never a favorite of mine to begin with. I don't know why this munchkin motherfucker is even  famous. He never struck me as an above average artist and God knows he can't act. Yet and still he ended up on TV shows and always proceeded to stink those shits up royalty. I hate his guts and didn't have solid reason why outside of being another relatively talentless famous person who finds a way to make paychecks. But his recent antics, they are more than just cause. He is now in the position so many bitter men have been in where your ex or old fling is now a 'somebody' and has moved on to bigger and better things than you. Kim Khardashian, a relatively talentless beneficiary of the reality TV age herself, was just a pretty face in the Hollywood social crowd until her sex tape with Ray J when viral. Since then, she's become a model, actress (I didn't say a good one), businesswoman, mult-millionaire. She's since dated an NFL player women fight over, was briefly (very) married to an NBA player, and is now with Kanye West, a transcendent music superstar. Who's Ray J dating? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? So what does Ray J's salty ass do? He tries to grab headlines and undermine her current relationship by making a song called "I Hit It First" playing the only card he has in this issue. That's some real weak shit. That's really the only thing that can get you into headlines in 2013? Stop It. News flash: Somebody took Beyonce's virginity...whoever he is, she wouldn't look twice at him now. Security would probably get called on this nigga trying to get within 10 feet of her. Jay's got her as a worldwide icon and entrepreneur  they're among the most powerful couples in the world. Which guy is winning? Same could be said with someone like Gabrielle Union. U think the guy who took her virginity comforts himself by thinking he's better than D-Wade because he got to Gabby first? I hope not; otherwise he's weak as shit too. Would he stand a chance trying to get her back today? Absolutely not. Ray J, let it go. I'm not even a Kim K fan but she's outgrown you and moved onto bigger and better things. Live with it. I'm sure there are still amateur models willing to sleep with you hoping you'll springboard them into the environment to meet some real celebrities (like them women from "For the Love of Ray J" who came on the show pursuing their own celebrity). Keep your mouth shut and move forward, Kanye can squash what little career you have. Do Better...

Do Better: Alex Collins' Mother

As big of a sports addict as I am, National Signing Day is one of the few sports-related things I just can't get into; along with hockey, regular season baseball, and pseudo-sports/skilled hobbies like NASCAR (I've had plenty of arguments about that one). However, I do recognize that for a 17-18 year old kid to have a nationally televised press conference revealing where he's decided to play his sport in college could turn out to be the highlight of his life. I was an all-ACC college athlete and I've seen so many athletes let laziness, attitude or drugs still their potential, have devastating injuries, get killed or end up in the legal system, have children and consequently have to kiss their dreams goodbye, or even just not fit into the system they entered. I say all that to say, there are a lot of #1 ranked high school prospects who never made the pros, never won college awards, etc. It's had to keep succeeding as you increase competition level. Combine that with the fact that choosing your college is one of the more important decisions in your life and National Signing Day is huge for a kid at that age. That's why I was so disappointed when I heard that Alex Collins' (#13 RB from Plantation, FL, a Miami suburb) National Letter of Intent never made it the fax machine (this is the only time its likely still used) at the University of Arkansas, because his mother came to his school and took and hid it because she disapproved of his decision. She and the family had been pressuring him for years to attend the University of Miami, less than 30 mins from home. He committed early there at one point, and later de-committed to explore more options. She likely assumed he was still going there, as she drove to his school to sign the letter (he's not yet 18 and needs a parental signature too). When she saw what school was on the letter, she snapped and left with the letter; he had to cancel his press conference and everything. Lady,  this isn't about you. I get that you don't wanna let your son go, it happens to a lot of parents. But it's not your choice to make. I mean damn, he picked as SEC school. He didn't opt to turn down Miami to sell dope, or to try to become a rapper; it was a legitimate alternative. My parents taught me that the difference between being a child and being an adult is the ability to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. For a kid in his shoes, this may be the first meaningful decision that was every truly his to make. He went on visits, he talked to coaches, he made his mind up. And now his mother has not only snatched his nationally televised TV moment, but also his confidence that he could make this decision for himself. How is he going to grow into a man if you won't let him pick the school HE will have to live at, study at, eat at, and play ball at for the next 3-4-5 years? As a man, much of what has given me the confidence to make and stand by my decisions is trial and error; I've made decisions that work, that don't work, and had to deal with the consequences even when they're ugly. It's part of life. My parents, regardless of their personal preferences, have sat me down, made sure that I've thought through my big decisions (which I always do before discussing it with them) and supported my decisions, even when it's something drastic they wouldn't do like going to live in Southeast Asia for 18 months. It's been essential to my liberation as a man. I'm 25 and out on my own, when I'm making a decision , the thought "Are my parents going to LET me do this?" doesn't cross my mind. She's crippling her son to this kind of thought process. Ma'am, let this moment, which was created by your son's talent and hard work, be about your son and not you. He has to start being a man at some point. Do Better baby...

Do Better: Really Manti Te'o?

I'm taking bets that this is the first star football player at Notre Dame, one of the most obsessed and successful football schools, who could not pick up tangible and certifiable women. Make me an offer, I'd bet almost anything that this is a first; I don't care that he wasn't a Heisman finalist yet when this happened, he was still a starting football player at Notre Dame. I was an athlete at Georgia Tech and the bench riding football players were dating beautiful women just because they had a uniform.  This has been on my mind for days now because it's the only way any of this story makes any sense. It's terrible that some guy and his female cousin set up and implemented a hoax posing at a leukemia-ridden woman (using the picture of one woman and the name of another) to fool a college athlete purely for entertainment. What makes matters even worse is they arranged for their created character to die of her leukemia right after the kid's grandmother (whose real, confirmed) died; it's borderline sickening that people stoop this low for no discernible reason. For him to be naive enough to not pick up on the fact that things were right and desperate enough to feel the need to embellish it, what other explanation is there? Like most guys who are embarrassed about their inability to get women in college (I had a roommate in college who I to this day think was lying to hide his homosexuality), Manti was lying on his dick about a girl he had never even met (or even see on Skype, Face Time, Oovoo, etc). That's why his teammates claim they knew something was fishy before this scam broke. "Stop lying Manti, she's not your girl. You didn't meet her." No Manti, apparently you didn't talk to her for 4 hours a night for 5 months; unless this is the most effective and dedicated con-woman in the history of mankind. She got that kind of time to devote to toying with you? Does she not have a job, kids, or her own life? Unless she's being paid handsomely by the man identified as the mastermind (who apparently ran a similar scam on someone 4 years ago), I have no idea why she continued to participate. I've heard the idea that maybe he was involved setting up the hoax to garner more attention for his Heisman campaign. However this doesn't make sense because 1) Notre Dame was not seen as a National Championship contender a year ago, they didn't even enter the season ranked. We had never heard of him, he wasn't on the Heisman radar and even wasn't after this happened; he got notoriety when Notre Dame started playing good. 2) That would be assuming he started a hoax in preparation of his grandmother dying so he could claim this fake chicks death compounded at the same time. I don't know Manti personally but his reputation is too good and I'm too optimistic to truly believe he'd stoop that low. I realize that certain questions won't be answered (you loved her but didn't attempt to go to her funeral? console her family?) but fuck it, I don't believe he did it. He's meeting with advisers about how to 'respond' to this confusing situation, but I don't think there's anything he can say were he doesn't end looking incredibly desperate or naive; Steve Urkel (the nerd, not his alter ego Stefan) is laughing at his inability to pull women. I have all the advice he needs: If you want to avoid this level of embarrassment ever befalling you again, get your game tight and start pursuing women in person, where they're tangible and confirmed...for him, make sure you're checking for Adam's Apples and nutsacks though. Do Better...

Do Better: Indecent Exposure

Ratchet Ass Hoes. There is no other way to say it. First of all, pretty much ALL of them pissin on the side of the road somewhere in broad fucking daylight. It's as if they decided as a group, "Yep, this is the spot."Secondly, the one friend who didn't have to piss (or finished first, or whatever the situation is) decided this was a Kodak moment. I've pissed some non-toilet places (street, bush, even rainwater downspout before) before, but never has it crossed my mind to take a picture of this occurrence. Thirdly, and most importantly in this day and age, YOU POSTED THAT SHIT ON THE INTERNET??? If I was one of the ones pissing, I'd hit the one who took the pic in the throat for posting such a picture. The instant u put this on the Internet, I can end up in the hands of someone like me who will ridicule u on his own blog to his own followers, or worse it can end up on MediaTakeOut.com or some other site with millions and millions of followers; some of who probably know you and will tell their friends "Hey, check out the MTO article called 'An MTOer was walking down the street and saw these old stank ratchet chicks', I know them." For the sake of the black community, Do Better...

Do Better: Hoeing Your Way to the Top, WARNING: Graphic

I know it’s 2011 and the definition of “celebrity” has changed, but some of this stuff is getting ridiculous. Celebrities and persons of power have always been promiscuous, men and women. And to a certain degree, there have always been women who slept with certain hand-picked men in order to get a chance to get their talent discovered (For example, J-Lo allegedly slept with the right producer and it helped her go from “In Living Color” fly-girl to getting a chance to be a solo artist and actress, the rest is history. Some female singers have emerged with very little actual talent for much the same reasoning) and even though it’s still conflicted morally, I won’t talk too bad about that situation either. But some of these chicks nowadays are trying to become world-famous groupies. Groupies used to just be the chicks that found the hotel the artists were staying at, or got let into the VIP section or tour bus and got to touch stardom for a night, or a leg of a tour at most. Nowadays, chicks like Natalie Nunn, Katt Stacks, and Amber Rose are trying fuck their way to fame. I blame Karrine “Superhead” Stefans (pictured with her favorite make-up) for starting this revolution. She was sucking her way to wealth and when the money got a little low, she wrote a book publicizing her fellacious endeavors and the benefits she gained from her talents. It may have been the first time someone publicly shed light on just how much dudes with money will throw at a chick to be a cute asset to the crew and keep him sexually satisfied for a time period of his choosing. Amber Rose went from stripper to semi-respected celeb girlfriend when she got with Kanye. But since that dissolved (and it surfaced that she was cheating on him the entire time) she has been bouncing from person to person; Wiz Khalifah to Drake to who knows who else. And Natalie Nunn? Oh my goodness. The chick clearly is trying to build self-esteem through the gratification of being beside [enter famous person’s name] in front of the camera right after she wipes his cum off her face and they get out of the car. Her body is banging but she ain’t that cute and has a massive Jay Leno-esque chin. She one of those chicks that would come around a celeb with shades on and after a half bottle of liquor, he’d start staring at her ass and say “yeah, I might have to smash.” This chick has been with everyone from Wiz Khalifah (pictured above with both mentioned groupies) dude is really taking advantage of his short time in the spotlight so far) to Breezy to Shaq to Vernon Davis to even D-list rappers and athletes. Even with no hope/desire of becoming serious with any of these people. And the absolute worst of the worst, Katt Stacks. I shake my head just thinking about her. She tried to mimic Superhead by taking videos in the immediate aftermath of each sexual endeavor and posting them online. Two big problems arose for the chick: The majority of the people she was sleeping with and putting business out on were C- or D- list celebs (Choppa Young City, Gudda Gudda, etc), and most importantly, it’s hard to gain the right kind of respect for your videos if you just plain out can’t talk. This chick sounds retarded when she speaks. If I was a celeb and she was in the VIP with me, it would probably be like “Ay look, I’ll give you $500 if you suck my dick with lots of spit, swallow my seed, and don’t say another fucking word the rest of the night.” And this chick was trying to embarrass celebrities in a way that embarrassed her more than anyone else. She’d get on video and be like “This nigga just met me and he and his friends fucked me raw, and two of them busted inside me. Nasty niggas.” In my mind “Bitch u nastier for letting them do it. The celeb is a D-lister and he homies r just entourage. If they get u pregnant or give u an STD, u probably not even gonna be able to get no real money out of them.” Even in the midst of reality TV’s takeover, terrible quality 3D movies, and everything else, Katt Stacks may be the worse things that happened to popular culture…scratch that, the Black and minority community since the Reagan presidency and the AIDS and cocaine that his tenure delivered. SMH. Do Better...

Do Better: Tony MFin Parker

First of all, I'd like to thank u Mr. Parker. Since entering Malaysia, I haven't had enough opportunities to express justified buffoonery at someone's expense. I appreciate u handing me the fuel for such a rant.

Just like whatever photo shoot this gay lookin picture of u came from, u've had a tremendous fail (Does he even have on pants, looks like he's waiting for the dude from "Scared Straight" to come back to his jail cell and reclaim his manhood again). In one day you, William Anthony "Tony" Parker have earned a certain level on scandalous infamy and I don't mean that in no nice way. After 7 years married to Eva Longoria, she's filing divorce because she caught u cheating with ur teammate Brent Barry's wife? This shit is Sub Zero cold blooded on so many levels. We, the general public, have seen our fair share of young male celebrities (we'll focus on athletes for now) forced into divorce because they too loose with the dick. That's nothing new. But in most cases - Michael Jordan, Shaq, Tiger Woods, etc - they lost a chick who is replaceable to a certain extent. In all of the cases just mentioned, their wives were fairly everyday attractive women without 'big-time' jobs or names of their own. Each was Mrs. [insert athlete name] and their notoriety was inevitably attached to them. U fucked it up with Eva Longoria? I should fly to San Antonio and politely slap the shit out of u; I will know I have completed my task when my hand is broken. Dwyane Wade moved from his wife to Gabby Union. Not saying it's ok to step out on ur wife, but he did very well for himself. Rumor is Shaq is now engaged to Hoopz; she ain't Gabby Union, but once again I'm not necessarily mad at him (he better keep his eye on that broad too though). U lost Eva Longoria, not some chick just lusting to be Mrs. Tony Parker and benefit from the credit upgrade. What was the upside, what was the gain? With the hectic schedule of a professional athlete, one of their biggest marital problems is that their wives don't have their own lives. They hire nannies to watch their kids so they can go out and shop with his money and drink with their friends. U didn't have that problem, she got her own life and her own money. So even if u feel u had to cheat (which I will go on record and say I don't condone), u got opportunity cuz she got her own business. She not sitting at home going "Practice ended 45 minutes ago, where is he? I'm gonna go check his computer." But u cheat in a situation that's easy to blow up? C'Mon Son. She better have been pretty terrible in bed for u to step out with a chick in a situation where ur marriage and team credibility are now in shambles. U have just joined Delonte "Mother Fucking (literally)" West as teammates who should not be invited any team function that doesn't take place in the locker room or basketball court. U ain't coming to dinner at my house to meet my fam. Hell, I don't know if we can get drinks after practice if u doing niggas dirty like that. U've become that "Yeah he can ball, but I don't fuck wit him" dude. After the season, Brent Barry should drop kick u in the chest and retire if he hasn't already. Unless u got a young hot actress/singer as ur Ace in the Hole and think u can win more rings with ur teammates givin u the side eye (not to mention opposing fans bringing signs and making chants), u made the wrong choice on a few different fronts. Luckily since she's got bread, u won't have to pay her too much. Just don't go get some cute waitress who's gonna quit her job to get busy spending the balance of what u don't have to pay Eva. Do Better...

Do Better: Malaysia, Part One

I named this installment of Do Better a part one because I'm fairly sure more will be coming before I return to the US. Some things that are different here are simply the result of cultural difference. But in some ways, there's no better way to say it than "They're really just fucking up." I'll keep it brief, I wish I had pics of all the stuff. But even though I don't, trust that I'm tellin the truth....

• It's 2010, why are there so many men, young and old, still walking around with their collars popped? What r u on the "Real World" from 2001 or something? Do u hang with the cast from "Saved By the Bell"? The caption on the picture to the right expresses my sentiment; just exchange the word"fag" with "douchebag." I hope his head is turned away from the camera because the cameraman just punched him very hard...
  
• I see at lot of Floyd Patterson and Johnny Unitas haircuts over here. Guys are going to the barbershops and paying money to look like fools. Those haircuts lost popularity in like the late 60's. If u have that now u either hang with Chris Mullens or only live near military barbershops...
  
• Ight, I will start by saying I'm not a big fan of guys in sandals in the first place. However, if u're a guy and u are wearing sandals, u either gotta go with the toe thongs or the ones with the strap going all the way over. I've seen entirely too many guys in sandals that look like they are intended for 5 year old girls (observe picture to right). Looking like u bought them at Rainbow in Freedom Mall (reference for my Charlotte folks). Did they really look at those in the store and combine the two thought "I'm feeling these, I'm buying them" and "These are definitely made for guys." If so, they need prayer...
  
• These different ATMS for different functions are bullshit. U go in a back and there's an ATM lobby with like 6 machines. U can only withdraw cash from two of them, u can't deposit into the same one u're withdrawing from, u can't deposit cash in the same one u can deposit cash into, etc. A serious waste of machinery to me, where's the efficiency? SMH..
  
• If I use the bathroom at night, go to bed, wake up, go to work for 10 hours, and I get back and the bathroom randomly smells terrible (not even like number 2 sustained, but randomly terrible), that means that something about the plumbing is sub-par. I don't wanna have to explain to company that it's not me, it's just the piping in the bathroom. SMH
• Being that locals like to eat traditional Indian or Malay food with their hands sometimes, ample quality soap needs to be located by the sinks. It's bad enough they're slack on both paper towels and toilet paper; toilet paper is sometimes only found by the sinks in place of paper towels
• Speaking of toilet paper, don't think I say 'they don't have toilet paper' as in they're temporarily out of toilet paper. I mean they had no plans of ever having toilet paper. You'll just see a hose, to be used as a poor man's bidet. I was told "it's fun, just make sure u aim before u shoot." I flatly refuse. SMH once again...
• I saw a Black guy, probably African but possibly not, who was bald on 80% of his head and had dreds on his front lobe rubber banded together into a short pony tail. Nuff said. I was trying so hard to get a picture without being blatantly obvious but I couldn't find a way. To be fair, I won't charge that one to Malaysia. That was the monumental failure of one man and one man alone. The phrase "I blame who let you leave the house like that" is a tremendous understatement. I'm mad at him, whoever did his hair, patronized him to boost his confidence, even anyone who was talking to him and ignored the urge to smack him repeatedly; all of the aforementioned ppl deserve to be back-handed, humiliated, and rolled down a mountain in an oil drum filled with fecal matter. I don't know this man but I wept for him...
  

I will inevitably encounter more noteworthy blunders and shameful embarrassments while I am here in Malaysia. And sense I'm judgmental for the sake of comedic value, that means that more of these posts will come. Stay tuned, foreigners trying to imitate Western culture, or even blend it with their own, when they tend to be decades behind in some aspects of fashion or technology becomes hilarious. It's my duty to ridicule them to add humor to my descriptions of my new temporary home....

Do Better: Rihanna, A Rare Miss

I didn't think I'd ever have to call this person out for a violation; or at least not until well in the future for getting older and chunky but still trying to wear her sexy outfits or something of that nature. Unfortunately, the first Rihanna Do Better segment has arrived. She's always been someone who pushed the envelope as far as fashion and accessories. She had made it into the category with Erykah Badu where I would endorse pretty much anything she does despite how far from the norm. But this, the bowl cut, I can not give the stamp of approval too. She looks like Tugg Speedman's "Simple Jack" character from "Tropic Thunder." And Simple Jack was not just retarded, but a full retard; noone to be mimicked by any standards. So that's not a compliment. I don't even mind it being Kool Aid red, cuz she's fine and fiesty enough to work that. But the bald, taperless, homemade scissor looking bowl cut isn't quite acceptable. Despite her career declining significantly since the domestic violence incident, her fashion game has usually still been completely on point to compliment the fact that she's fine (absolutely certified banger despite the big forehead and big feet) and has swag. It's a dark day for me having to call her out. But luckily she changes up often so I have confidence that the situation will soon be rectified and back to normal which I look forward to. Rihanna, u're a unique island beauty and trend setter, u're capable of much more. Do Better. I know, I sound crazy criticizing Rihanna while I still hold her in just high regard. But whatever, as u know, I've Been Called Worse...

The Motor City 2010

For the first time as an adult, I spent some time In Detroit (albeit not for a reason that I'd like to have been there, I made the best of it though) and came away with some interesting opinions about the once great city and its inhabitants. I have a laundry list of observations about the city:

• It saddens me that the city, once among the manufacturing and production powerhouses in the world, so downtrodden. There are stretches of city blocks where 60-70% of business are out of business. Restaurants, specialty shops, used car dealerships, everything
• The city has lost almost half of its population due to the lost of large chunks of its largest industry which is automobile manufacturing. I'd venture out and say that no city depends as heavily on one industry as Detroit relies on the American automobile industry.
• My 45-year old second cousin, who was raised in inner city Detroit, moved to the distant suburbs and refuses to go back into the inner city citing the violence and hopelessness; he even called it the "Wild Wild West." He spoke about the 1976 building of the Renaissance Building, the most distinctive building in the Detroit skyline. While renaissance means rebirth or change, he said he hasn't seen an ounce of change in the city and has finally lost hope. This is saddening to hear from a native.
  
• However, despite all the turmoil the industry has been under, I was delighted to see the art of production at the Ford Rouge River plant (where every F-150 is built). Watching the assembly line work in a fluid, rhythmical way was almost therapeutic and gave me renewed respect for Ford and their attempts to change things to make their products competitive again. I almost wanna buy an F-150, but gas is still not cheap enough for that. They've also incorporated green aspects into the structure such as the "living roof," special vegetation used for rejuvenation of a former junkyard, and solar energy use where appropriate.
• I gained a new respect for Henry Ford. Although he neither invented the automobile or the assembly line, he forged the two into a modern marvel of production and industry. He had a huge had in building Detroit itself. The city's hospitals and casino would not be what they are without his influence. Also, his influence created the residential sectors of Dearborn and Inkster so his workers would be able to live closer to their jobs.
• For the short Do Better advice for Detroit, I have to single out the 25 and over crowd which is not acting its age. My cousin, an attractive, hard-working, and ambitious 37 year old woman, told me she hasn't been able to get serious with anyone in her lifetime in Detroit because she can't find someone her age who has charm, goals, and education to be compatible with her. I didn't understand and then I went out to a club and bar at a casino and I see why now. I've never seen so many 25-35 year old men wearing beaters as actual shirts. As if they stood in the mirror and said to themselves "I'm feeling myself so much that I refuse to even put a shirt on." And to counter that, many also refused to take their do-rags off to come in public; they were it to make the hair look nice and then don't wanna show it off? Coonery. Hell, my 22-year old cousin that took me to the casino said that my outfit - a short sleeve Polo button-up, jeans, and Pumas - was much more dressy that the usual attire even at 21 and older spots; sad enough on its own. And this one 30-somethin guy in a 5XL Obama shirt was sufficiently embarrassing himself on the dance floor for about 25 minutes straight. I was ashamed for the ladies of Detroit. Do Better...

The economic downturn and collapse of the America auto industry has been as detrimental to Detroit as Hurricane Katrina has been to New Orleans. The economic recovery necessary in Motown seems to be as large as the rebuilding effort needed to resurrect the the Crescent City. I hope that the city can rise above all the turmoil and reinvent itself; it needs to truly harness some of that rebirth the Renaissance building was supposed to represent almost 35 years ago. Not to mention, the grown ups need to act like grown up too. Motown, you're capable of so much more, act like it. Do Better...

Do Better: Alcoholic Traits

I drink fairly often, I enjoy drinking. I have a high tolerance; I can function after quite a few drinks. Despite starting as a liquor man, I've even acquired the taste for beer. But despite ppl calling me such, there are certain things that keep me from bein an alcoholic. I've never had problems with getting sick and people having to take care of me; much less making it a habit. I only drink socially, I don't sit there and drink alone. I drink mainly on weekends only. Drinking is not my way of coping with any and every form of stress. And I don't carry stuff like this...











































That's right, a baseball cap bottle opener, a refridgerator magnet bottle opener and a SANDAL bottle opener. Yea, u can be walkin around on the beach, grab a beer from a store and take off your sweaty, smelly, sandy ass toe-thong sandal and use the sole of it to open your drink. What a thought. Or upon walking in your kitchen, people will immediately know that you're a serious drinker becuz u have a bottle opener displayed on the outside of ur fridge door. Or u can even take off ur hat and use it to open ur beer. Shameful. Although I will admit that I learned how to open bottles on sharp counter corners, I believe that spending money deliberately on something normal that has been altered to allow for beer opening is a tell-tell sign of true alcoholism and I'd guess usually happens hand-in-hand with the traits I outlined earlier. So take the advice of an avid drinker, don't be an alchy to the point where it truly affects your life. And even if you do, don't buy things that identify you as an alchy on sight. Do Better...

Do Better: T.O.'s Swag Gone Too Far

I like T.O. No matter wut kind of "schism" he creates or some ppl think of him, he's worked his ass off and come out to ball every year since he entered the league in 1996 to get himself to 2nd all-time on the receiver list and Hall of Fame status. However, this shit here is completely out of pocket. Where's Ed Lover? He needs a "C'Mon Son." I don't care if u were tryna b funny, throw on a male model swag for the runway or what was going on, that particular wig has to go. I've never questioned the man's sexuality but this picture made me look at him sideways for a split second. So T.O. I'm still a fan, but please do us all a favor, and Do Better...

Stop Me When I Start Lying: Big Ppl in Pictures

VERY BIG PEOPLE, LISTEN UP PLEASE. I understand that everyone can't be in shape. Some people's family history works against that. Other people have lifestyles that work against them. And there may be a multitude of other factors. However, know that u r super-sized and try to do things that work for u. In particular, don't take pictures that r "hard to look at" becuz of all of ur girth. If u do, u'll end up as the subject of a shameless humor filled blog entry like this one. I felt bad at first, but then I changed my mind; I don't feel bad becuz these ppl willingly took pictures in these crazy outfits or poses and put such pictures on the Internet. So the blame is theres. In summation, Big people are a part of our culture and they are nothing weird or rare, but if u don't want it to be the first thing that someone notices when they see you, you should not take pictures and/or wear things that accentuate ur umm.......heavyset disposition above everything else. U can't act sensitive that someone's cheap laughs over ur weight if u're bold enough to show up in a "Fat Man" costume like the woman below but yet somehow not interested in any type of exercise or portion control. C'Mon y'all, Do Better...


















Mean am I??? Say what u'd like, I've Been Called Worse...

Do Better: I'm Still Mad, Sammy

Even months later, I'm still angry. I saw this new Caucasian-skinned, straight haired Sammy Sosa picture months ago. He claimed some skin "rejuvenation" treatment made him this light. Every time I think about it, it makes me more and more mad. But unless "rejuvenation" is a new word for bleaching, somebody needs an ass-whooping. If Sammy signed up to become white after he was the brown-skinned Dominican half of the most memorable home run race of the past few decades, he deserves to be smacked repeated in his suddenly pale face. If somebody told him the treatment would just smooth out his skin or condition it and this happened, he should be taking his corked baseball bat to someone else's ass. Either way, this shit is borderline appalling to me and I don't even know the man personally. Dominicans are a proud people who come in many shades: from cocoa butter tan all the way to Senegalese dark black. Not included in that list was Jake Gyllenhaal white; so Sammy is clearly in violation. I wish I had a flag to throw on the play and Adam Sandler's remote from "Click" to stop him before he went through his "rejuvenation."At least you can go online and find pictures proving that Michael Jackson was having skin issues before he started bleaching, Sammy has no excuse. I can't speak for everyone, but you disappointed me Sammy and I think u've done a disservice to your dark brothers and sisters back in the DR. They were on your side even back when u had the serious jheri curl. I'm not sure if I can even consider u part of the team anymore. I'm flyin my flag at half-staff for all your lost melanin. Do Better...

Do Better: Let It Go

Enough is enough, I know the Tiger bashing is the hottest topic right now becuz of how dramatic and juicy the pieces have been coming out. But I'm tired of hearing about this shit. Tiger's got a loose dick and leads a shameful double-life; I get it. I'm a sports fan, why is it I can't watch a one hour episode of Sportscenter without having a Tiger Woods update between highlights FOUR different times during that one episode. "Kobe makes a Game-Winning Shot, Tiger's 3rd mistress claims she has pictures, Peyton and the Colts go 14-0, Whats going to happen with Tiger's other sponsors?, Big potential free agent movement in Major League Baseball, Are Tiger and his wife speaking?, etc." I tune into ESPN to see sports, not gossip. I'd watch TMZ or something looking for gossip. And even if I was looking to find out more shit about Tiger's situation, I don't want all this hearsay bullshit; I want a concrete statement when some shit actually happens. Don't waffle back-and-forth, if he and his wife and getting divorced, say it firmly and move on. If he announces when he's returning to golf, publish the date and move on. I don't need a daily update that the probability of them divorcing seems to have risen 10%. People of fame and power, men and women, have been cheating since the dawn of time. Most find a way to keep it from the public eye. But even those who get caught red-handed are scrutinized for a microsecond and then forgiven and once again judged according to how they perform on their craft. As long as you don't get convicted or rape in the process, you're fine. It ain't like cheating didn't used to be wrong and it's wrong now. The public at some point decided they didn't care too much. If you're gonna condemn one cheater, you're gonna have to condemn them all. People have been trying to tell me that Tiger can never recover becuz he's a golfer and it's a gentleman's sport and he was portrayed as a family man. I only buy that to a certain extent. The other golfers (with the exception of Jesper Parnevik, the one who introduces him to his wife) don't care. Also, i can buy the argument that Tiger came off as more of a gentleman than other cheaters such as Shaq or somebody. But gentlemen such as Rick Pitino, baby-faced stars such as Dwight Howard, and legendary mega-stars such as Michael Johnson and Magic Johnson all were all caught cheating and quickly forgiven/excused. Pitino and Kobe dealt with messy rape allegations; Ben Roethlisberger is still in the midst of getting his name cleared yet it's already been swept under a rug. Tom Brady left his fiance for another woman when she was 8 months pregnant with his kid, no one cared. Magic Johnson was a legendary cheater and even brought AIDS back home from his "travels." No one seemed to mind. Tiger's dramatic and messy story is huge news right now and will take more time that many others to mend; but if all of the big past and present endorsement faces of the NBA (Kobe, LeBron, D-Wade, Dwight Howard, Shaq, MJ, Magic) were forgiven, so should he be. i believe golf is gonna miss him severely when he's gone and if he wins a major or two (complete with ridiculously skilled highlight puts), their disdain for his shady personal life would be overshadowed by their joy and amazement that he's back. In my eyes, they're beating a dead horse right now. I expected the public to have learned years ago, like I did at a young age, not to put faith in aspects of people's lives that you know nothing about. Kobe fanatics cling to the fact that they have faith in his ability to make game-winning shots, not the fact that he cheated (and in all likelihood still cheats) on his wife. Magic had a teammate, A.C. Green, who was a role model in his personal life. He remained a virgin throughout his NBA career and up until he was married and is now a great Christian family man. With a personal life that everyone could put faith in, why didn't he get as much notoriety as Magic? Cuz he's wasn't balling like Magic on the court, period. So, despite all this drama, I see Tiger just as I saw him before, as the best golfer of my lifetime. That ain't changed. Pick another story.

I'd like to take a minute to highlight other story lines I'm tired of:

• Reality TV love shows manufacturing celebrities and reviving the dead careers of semi-celebrities. There have been love shows for Flavor Flav (hypeman), New York (crazy bitch who lost for Flav), Chance and Real (cornballs who lost for New York), Ray-J (Brandy's wannabe singing little brother), and now they're making one for Frank "the Entertainer" (freeloading bum pictured) which will be recorded in his parents' basement. The one thing that embarrasses me more than these shows being on the air is their astronomically high ratings and the fact that every other person I encounter wants to talk to me about it as if I watch that shit too. Shameful.
• Similarly, I'm tired of the paparazzi treating relatives of celebrities as if they're celebs too. They did nothing to earn fame more than being the fastest sperm to hit the egg. Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Bruce Jenner's sons, the Khardashian girls, and others in the same category need to stop wasting airtime as if they are important enough for me to actually care about. None of you have any skills that is making you money more than simply having the correct bloodlines. The ability to party on your parents money is not a valid skill. Their famous for converting oxygen into carbon dioxide with the right last name. And America, stop paying them so much attention and the media may follow suit.
  
• Jon & Kate Plus 8, the "Octomom", or anyone else who sought/gained fame and fortune for no better reason than becuz they had some ridiculous amount of children. The average US family no longer lives on farms powered solely by manpower; so unless they are trying to start a family football or basketball team, there is no good reason to have that many children. Honestly, I'm not sure how close of a relationship you can have with each children when you have that many children. I could care less about you and your divorce. Stop pimping your kids for fame and become a great parent to each AND EVERY child.

These are but a few examples of the contamination the media is poisoning the public with. And for whatever reason, the public is receiving it with open arms and astronomical ratings. I think we are losing brain cells paying more attention to gossip than the issues and news that effects us every day. Think a little deeper and figure out what's worth paying that much attention to. Do Better...

Do Better: Stop judging Tyler Perry

For today's Do Better segment, we're gonna analyze the Black Community's views on Tyler Perry. I lot of Black people seem to hate Tyler Perry becuz of his use of the gun-toting, foul-mouthed, free-spirited grandmother character Mabel Simmons, AKA Madea. Spike Lee, one of our most respected directors, went so far as to call Perry a "coon." Don't get me wrong, Madea does get very ignorant with some of the stuff that she says and does for cheap laughs. But the character is so much more, that aspect of her character is the bait Perry uses to get those who only go to see his movies for the cheap laughs. Every time I watch a Tyler Perry movie with Madea in it, she gives great advice on life lessons. However, those who have already made up their minds before they got in the theater seem to turn their ears off to anything she says so they miss all these tidbits. So I figured I'd highlight some of the Madea quotes that I remember and value from various movies and plays.

• "People like to talk. But it don't matter what people call you, it's about what you answer to."

• "It doesn't matter what other people say. You don't have to go keeping up with the Joneses. Hell, I ain't known anybody named Jones in my neighborhood."

• "Whatever you've done in the past is done, and don't be ashamed of it. As long as it didn't involve animals or children, you're all right."

• "Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which."

• "Everybody's got skeletons in the closet ... my advice to anybody with skeletons is to dust them off every now and then -- as long as your closet ain't full of them. It's not good to have more than two or three."

• "Life is sometimes hard, and you have to laugh your way through it."

• "Half the time, the very thing you think that's going to destroy you or ruin you is the very thing that nobody cares about."

• "Everything that happens to you works together for the good, because everything you deal with in this life is for a reason and is supposed to make you a better person. If you're sitting in a chair and you get uncomfortable, you're going to move somewhere else."

• "God can fix it but it's got to be fixed through you. God ain't gonna do nothing til you do something. So get off your "do-nothing" and get to work. Everything starts with you."

• "The worst thing you can do is hold stuff in. If something is bothering don't just sit there and hold it in. Say it. Yell it. Let it go!! It's better you get it all out than holding on to all that stuff yourself. Deal with that emotion, on that day, at that minute at that time. That way, things don't have a chance to build up and crazy in you."

• "If someone wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO!! When you learn to love yourself, you will give standards to everyone around you. And if they don't meet the standards, let 'em go! Holding on to them could cause major damaged."

• "Learn to forgive and forgive with all your might."

• "There are only two places on this Earth that you're ever gonna have peace - your home and the grave. So, if you can't have peace in your home, then your relationship needs to change."

Madea is actually a very well crafted character whom Perry plays himself becuz he feels he's the only one who can balance the wisdom and the bufoonery. Brown is the character that actually irks me becuz he has all the bufoonery without any wisdom being shared. Beyond the comedy, think about some of the themes that are present in most Tyler Perry movies: treating women right, going back to the Lord to change your life, forgiveness, self-esteem, value of properly raising your kids, etc. Somehow everyone has seemed to rationalize condeming Tyler Perry movies with all these themes while praising movies and shows that are funny without life lessons like "Friday", "Martin", "The Wayans Brothers", "In Living Color", "Scary Movie" and so many other Black comedies. Don't make double standards about Perry when I think he's doing more good with his lessons than harm with the humor. Watch his movies objectively and I think you'll agree with me on some level. Black People, Let's Do Better...

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