My Inner Goon: Ignant Thoughts Sept 27th

Some days, ss I sit at work, My Inner Goon takes over for a while. I start thinking of porn, the crazy ads on the sides of any website with even mildly sexual pictures on it, my sexual experiences and more and start thinking;these are some of the things that are running through my mind:

• How terribly small does your dick have to be for you to need the 4-6 inch male enhancement that they advertise in the commercials? Are there that many men out there with a Vienna Sauage for a dick? Shameful.
• Since the invention of sex, how many potential kids have been wasted via condoms, pull outs, cumshots, swallowers, anal creampies, masturbation and other non-conceiving disposals? The number is probably astronomical; just seeing it on paper would probably make my head hurt. Lol

• · Uncircumsized penises scare me; they look like some kind of sea monster or something. As a guy, when you watch porn, your attention is fully on the woman, the guy is like a prop that just happens to be there; so for something on him to be so distracting that it takes your attention and startles you, means it’s some truly upsetting shit.

  · Hood or not, Keyshia Cole is fine as shit to me. Period, I’d be sitting up in the house trying to deal with the crazy as family if I could make that mine

  · Rihanna – despite the big forehead, laundry list of celebs she’s slept with (Jay-Z, Drake, J. Cole, Breezy, Eminem, Andrew Bynum, Matt Kemp, etc), and craziness Trini side (she broke a glass over her brother’s head over a petty argument and likely provoked some of Breezy’s wrath when they got physical) – could bear my children. Period.

  · Since seeing her naked and without make-up (surprisingly unimpressive), Scarlett Johannsen is at risk of being knocked off of my already short “Beckys I would not only sleep with, but bring home to my mother” list. Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba are still safe; everyone else is up in the air, especially since Angelina is about 75 lbs these days

  · Physically, Beyonce’s only weakness has been her relatively small breasts. Therefore, she’s gonna be ridiculously dope right after delivery while she still has those big lactated titties. It’s gonna be mind blowing. Mercy, mercy, mercy

  And that's just a few minutes of brainstorming. LOL. This has been another sneak peek at My Inner Goon...

Do Better: Malaysia, Part One

I named this installment of Do Better a part one because I'm fairly sure more will be coming before I return to the US. Some things that are different here are simply the result of cultural difference. But in some ways, there's no better way to say it than "They're really just fucking up." I'll keep it brief, I wish I had pics of all the stuff. But even though I don't, trust that I'm tellin the truth....

• It's 2010, why are there so many men, young and old, still walking around with their collars popped? What r u on the "Real World" from 2001 or something? Do u hang with the cast from "Saved By the Bell"? The caption on the picture to the right expresses my sentiment; just exchange the word"fag" with "douchebag." I hope his head is turned away from the camera because the cameraman just punched him very hard...
  
• I see at lot of Floyd Patterson and Johnny Unitas haircuts over here. Guys are going to the barbershops and paying money to look like fools. Those haircuts lost popularity in like the late 60's. If u have that now u either hang with Chris Mullens or only live near military barbershops...
  
• Ight, I will start by saying I'm not a big fan of guys in sandals in the first place. However, if u're a guy and u are wearing sandals, u either gotta go with the toe thongs or the ones with the strap going all the way over. I've seen entirely too many guys in sandals that look like they are intended for 5 year old girls (observe picture to right). Looking like u bought them at Rainbow in Freedom Mall (reference for my Charlotte folks). Did they really look at those in the store and combine the two thought "I'm feeling these, I'm buying them" and "These are definitely made for guys." If so, they need prayer...
  
• These different ATMS for different functions are bullshit. U go in a back and there's an ATM lobby with like 6 machines. U can only withdraw cash from two of them, u can't deposit into the same one u're withdrawing from, u can't deposit cash in the same one u can deposit cash into, etc. A serious waste of machinery to me, where's the efficiency? SMH..
  
• If I use the bathroom at night, go to bed, wake up, go to work for 10 hours, and I get back and the bathroom randomly smells terrible (not even like number 2 sustained, but randomly terrible), that means that something about the plumbing is sub-par. I don't wanna have to explain to company that it's not me, it's just the piping in the bathroom. SMH
• Being that locals like to eat traditional Indian or Malay food with their hands sometimes, ample quality soap needs to be located by the sinks. It's bad enough they're slack on both paper towels and toilet paper; toilet paper is sometimes only found by the sinks in place of paper towels
• Speaking of toilet paper, don't think I say 'they don't have toilet paper' as in they're temporarily out of toilet paper. I mean they had no plans of ever having toilet paper. You'll just see a hose, to be used as a poor man's bidet. I was told "it's fun, just make sure u aim before u shoot." I flatly refuse. SMH once again...
• I saw a Black guy, probably African but possibly not, who was bald on 80% of his head and had dreds on his front lobe rubber banded together into a short pony tail. Nuff said. I was trying so hard to get a picture without being blatantly obvious but I couldn't find a way. To be fair, I won't charge that one to Malaysia. That was the monumental failure of one man and one man alone. The phrase "I blame who let you leave the house like that" is a tremendous understatement. I'm mad at him, whoever did his hair, patronized him to boost his confidence, even anyone who was talking to him and ignored the urge to smack him repeatedly; all of the aforementioned ppl deserve to be back-handed, humiliated, and rolled down a mountain in an oil drum filled with fecal matter. I don't know this man but I wept for him...
  

I will inevitably encounter more noteworthy blunders and shameful embarrassments while I am here in Malaysia. And sense I'm judgmental for the sake of comedic value, that means that more of these posts will come. Stay tuned, foreigners trying to imitate Western culture, or even blend it with their own, when they tend to be decades behind in some aspects of fashion or technology becomes hilarious. It's my duty to ridicule them to add humor to my descriptions of my new temporary home....

Stop Me When I Start Lying: Big Ppl in Pictures

VERY BIG PEOPLE, LISTEN UP PLEASE. I understand that everyone can't be in shape. Some people's family history works against that. Other people have lifestyles that work against them. And there may be a multitude of other factors. However, know that u r super-sized and try to do things that work for u. In particular, don't take pictures that r "hard to look at" becuz of all of ur girth. If u do, u'll end up as the subject of a shameless humor filled blog entry like this one. I felt bad at first, but then I changed my mind; I don't feel bad becuz these ppl willingly took pictures in these crazy outfits or poses and put such pictures on the Internet. So the blame is theres. In summation, Big people are a part of our culture and they are nothing weird or rare, but if u don't want it to be the first thing that someone notices when they see you, you should not take pictures and/or wear things that accentuate ur umm.......heavyset disposition above everything else. U can't act sensitive that someone's cheap laughs over ur weight if u're bold enough to show up in a "Fat Man" costume like the woman below but yet somehow not interested in any type of exercise or portion control. C'Mon y'all, Do Better...


















Mean am I??? Say what u'd like, I've Been Called Worse...

Do Better: Trannys, Finish the Job

I live in Atlanta, notorious for a large population of Black Gay Men and transvestites. The lesson from this picture would be: If ur a guy who wants to be a woman, finish the job...
I hope everybody caught it. LOL. Shameless Humor, I know.