Stop Me When I Start Lying: The Engagement Ring Scam

Oh, so I'm cheap if I don't spend 3-4 months salary on an engagement ring? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. You can't con a conman. Where did such a "rule" come from?...Oh, the biggest diamond company in the world. It's that fucking convenient. That's like a car company making commercial calling you cheap if you're not spending $70K or more on a car; yeah, cuz that's not a conflict of interest or anything. Once upon a time, people got engaged with no ring, and got married with only a wedding band; to signify their bond. Then in the 1930's, DeBeers (the world's dominant jeweler, who just found an abundance of diamonds in South African mines) hired a marketing agency to figure out how to move more diamonds. The agency polls Americans and finds that every day Americans think diamonds are only for the super rich. So the company response was "Hey, what if I told you that for one month's salary you can get a diamond for your fiance until she gets her wedding ring?" Americans jumped on it. 40 years later or so, they decide to get even more greedy and revamp their campaign suggesting 2-3 months' salary be spent on the engagement ring instead. I didn't come from a big money family, I have a good job now, if I save up 25% of my yearly salary, it needs to be getting spent on a house, or some other major investment, not a trinket to sit on my lady's finger. And I love my lady. But I call any woman crazy if she feels "entitled" to a ring worth 3 months salary. Hell, if she's trying to start a life with you, is she still gonna expect you to save up enough for a wedding and down payment immediately after? Sound like some selfish shit to me. When's the next time you ladies are gonna spend 25% of a good jobs' salary on one specific gift for your man mother fuckers? Not for the both of you, not for him and the kids, just for your man? Never. So fellas, get your woman something nice that she should like and direct your financial goals elsewhere (house, business, investment, etc.). If your lady don't think you good enough or don't love her enough because you didn't spend car money on the ring, fuck her, she's too materialistic anyway. Stop Me When I Start Lying...

Real Talk: The Death of a "Phenomenal Woman"

There are a lot of times where the idea for a blog entry hits me but I get distracted or busy and I don't end up posting until days, weeks, or even months later unfortunately. Today is not one of those days. Even though she's been somewhat out of the national spotlight, Maya Angelou's presence was truly a gift to our world. Going through what she went through early in her life (poverty, Jim Crow racism, sexism, molestations, etc.) being successful itself was quite an accomplishment. But even moreso, Angelou become a pillar of strength and dignity inside and outside of the poetry field that she revolutionized. She was recognized at the highest levels (chosen as poet laureate by Bill Clinton, etc) for her craft. But beyond that, what she meant to women - particularly women of color - was immeasurable. In my eyes, she was the ultimate role model and symbol of class and eloquence. In an age where there aren't enough positive role models for young women of color, losing one as influential as Angelou is even more sad. I'm a man but the poem "Phenomenal Woman" has stuck with me since I first read it some 15-20 years ago; I can only imagine what it meant to young girls. They say a library is burned down every time a wise elder dies; that phrase has never before
resonated with me as much as it does today. Rest in Peace amongst the other angels Sister Maya Angelou, you will be missed.

Do Better: NFL players f***king up with women

I'm lost on this. More people wanna talk about the Dolphins bullying and Michael Sam the gay prospect instead of some serous character flaws in successful current and former players. Maybe it's just me, if I feel like I need to put hands on my lady, I'm probably gonna "cancel her" (Nino Brown quote) before going Kimbo Slice on her. Plus because of my mom's crafty personality, I grew up believing my mom would get my dad back in his sleep if he ever put hands on her; I took that to heart. So when I saw the video of Ravens running back Ray Rice dragging his fiance out of the elevator of a casino after (allegedly) knocking her out cold. I've heard of couples having a fight cutting each other up a little bit, but she looked sleep like Manny Pacquiao after the Marquez fight. She looked like a World Star Hip Hop fight comp victim or something while he looked very non-chalant while dragging her (not carrying her, not throwing her over his shoulder, but dragging) and setting her on the hallway floor face down. I'll be the first to admit: I don't know what she did, she might have been just as culpable in things getting physical but yet and still, it's on you as a young Black man (much less a rich, recognizable young Black man) to keep the situation contained. If she's hitting you (which I don't condone either, women gotta stop using the "I'm a woman" excuse to beat the shit out of a dude) grab her to restrain her or something. Shit looks bad for Ray Rice right now. And following a subpar season anyway, you may have really fucked up. And now (drum roll please)...Darren motherfucking Sharper. ***closes eyes, shakes head*** I don't know where to start. The 'fine ass' (as reported by several women over the years) retired football player is accused of drugging and raping up to about 10 women in a few different states. They're calling this man a serial rapist. I'll repeat: he's "fine", in shape, famous, former athlete, well off (if not still str8 up rich) with a TV commentator position and you're drugging women and stealing the pussy? Are you fucking kidding me?? If you have any semblance of charm or personality (he got hired to be commentator after all), women should be throwing the box at you. Look above, this dude pulled Gabrielle Union back in the day for God's sake. How the fuck you go from that to stealing the box from everyday women? Are you drugging the few who say no? Are you drugging them to save time talking them up? I don't fucking understand. I realize these situations are still in the investigation stage and I may be jumping to early conclusion. But (excuse my N-word), these violating ass niggas need a preemptive Do Better...

Stop Me When I Start Lying: The Perfect Celeb Female Friend

Rihanna. Gorgeous man-eater. Femme Fatale herself. Hot-headed Rock Star Queen. Untameable beautiful beast ...best female friend imaginable? Rihanna....let that sink in. Robin "Rihanna" Fenty, 'Femme Fatale' herself. She's like Poison Ivy from Batman reincarnated as a Caribbean rock star. Let's list some of the detractors we've learned if you're a guy trying to make her your lady (Hello, Chris Brown, Matt Kemp, etc). She's erratic. She's impulsive and simple arguments can become fist fights quickly (That Trinidadian in her) . She's a drinking, smoking party animal who's "open minded sexually"; a nice way of saying she fucks who she wants, when she wants, regardless of what anyone (including he boyfriend/main guy) thinks about it. She's a man-eater who'll love you hard and break your heart if you're shooting for hers. I know all this...but if I was in a room with her. That Poison Ivy potion might pull me in too. That's what makes my guy Wale brilliant. I heard him in an interview recently telling why he loves being platonic friends with her and hasn't attempted anything more. Rihanna is always fun to be around, got her own bread, probably provides alcohol and weed everywhere she goes(I don't smoke, but ppl I know who roll with weed always have friends) rolls with other beautiful party animals (probably safer one night stand/fling candidates than her), she seems a little bi-curious (you could be front row to some interesting drunken sights), likes strip clubs, likes sporting events, knows music (also Wale's passion), and got connections worldwide. On top of all that, she can help you make a hit single and she'd probably beat some chick's ass if she hurt you. It's perfect. Whether you're in the mood to see some naked women, a ballgame, party, or just get blown and listen to music at the crib, she'd be the perfect female road dog. By not getting involved in her convoluted love/sex life, you're gaining all the advantages while avoiding the downfall of the Black Widow's venom. I salute you, Mr. Folarin. You've figured out that by being cool as hell with her but not fucking her (probably not the easiest to resist), you may  be one of the first guys to get very close to her without the inevitable heartbreak, unsatiated lust, and distraction, violent episodes, etc. I know, sounds crazy telling someone to get close to Rihanna without getting any of that glorious vagina; it does sound crazy but I don't know if the ends justify the means. Stop Me When I Start Lying...

Some Kinda Way

Disclaimer: If you're a woman I used to date/talk to who complained about my lack of emotion, please stop reading right here. No good can come of you reading this blog entry...

I was never actually sure what the term "some kinda way" really meant; I'm still not sure there is one accepted meaning. I've heard it in a handful of different contexts. But nonetheless, I've found someone that I feel "some kinda way" about. I'm still not really sure how it even happened. I'm usually the dude making fun of "sucker for love" ass dudes, calling em soft or simps. They get open all early, start spending crazy money, jumping through hoops and end up having a woman walk all over them. Let's be clear, I'll never again be a simp, but I'm in a position that's very odd to me right now. This blog is based on displaying the many layers of myself (jock, nerd, musichead, goon, moralist, conspiracy theorist, etc); but noone knew I had an inner romantic, NOT EVEN ME. I feel like one of those dudes in the corny commercials for ED or something.
 I've been dating this woman 2-3 months...I repeat, only 2-3 fucking months... and I'm so blown away that I'm doing things I typically don't do. I've seen so many women use titles to try to control (and at times, terrorize) their men, I've been very careful giving the "girlfriend" title away. We clicked so fast, she had it in a matter of weeks. I've been very anti- long distance relationship because I hated the possibility of being lonely in a relationship. She lives 4 hours away and somehow keeps me company and infatuated anyway; it helps that its driving distance and we see each other every other week. I've always been opposed to letting women leave stuff at my house, her bridesmaid dress and earrings have been here for weeks and I don't mind at all. One time she was here for some days straight, I handed her my spare key so she can come and go as she pleases without even thinking about it; that has never happened previously. I always believed you needed to be serious and deep in before meeting the family; she met mine in less than a month, I met hers a week later. I've since met her best friend, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I spent all day Easter (church, brunch, dinner) with them. Be reminded, I'm in month 3. I let her plan out MY birthday weekend. Think about that for a minute. I was reading old (like 08) stuff she wrote on her computer to learn more about her and found myself slightly bitter wishing I was the only guy she'd ever had memories with...these actions and thoughts were all previously no-nos. We're acting like we've been together for a year when I hadn't met her when the calender for 2013 changed. I've met and spent time with so many wonderful, beautiful talented women who I truly cared (in some cases, still care) for and was somewhat "hooked on" at some point. It was absolutely nothing like this. That shouldn't be seen as a poor reflection on the women of the past because I cherish my time and experiences with them. But I've hit something uncontrollable in this case; things took off faster than I could've imagined. The word I constantly use is "scary" because I was truly petrified at how quickly things progressed. The old me is still in the back of my mind saying "Slow down homie, how you know she's not playing you? Don't be like some of your boys" But it's like I can't stop. As my friend would say "I've never seen two non-desperate intelligent and attractive people gravitate to each other as fast as you two did."

She has a combination of factors that are somewhat like voodoo to me; it's not the big things - although she is beautiful, intelligent, open-minded, has a nice shape, and a great personality - it's the small things. She's an PhD student who I can talk about all my inner nerd interests with; she's as into some of them as me (we can watch HGTV together all day long). She did something that noone has been able to do for me in years; she made me feel so special on my birthday. She bought me an amazing watch (one of my addictions), she had her family (most of whom I'd only met once/twice before Easter) to make me a lemon birthday cake complete with candles and singing "Happy Birthday". I'm humorous, I'm pretty good at making people laugh, it's a bonus when I'm dating someone who can truly truly make me laugh back. She can make me laugh until my stomach hurts. When I'm having a rough day, she can make all the troubles melt away with just a kiss, a smile, a rub on the back of my head, and a little singing to me; she has an angelic singing voice. In the past, my preferred stress relief method has been slow head; she doesn't even have to. To be clear, slow head is still highly appreciated though; I'm still a man after all. As happy as I am in my relationship, daily I ask myself, "how did this happen to me?" I'm not sappy, I don't commit early. When I've been into a wonderful lady, I often think of them throughout the day. But here I am, going to bed and waking up thinking about this woman. She makes me wanna be better to make sure I deserve her. I see beautiful women while I'm out and say in my mind "Wow, she is gorgeous...she ain't got it like my girl though". I've never truly been in love so I don't know where the line is. But I'm in uncharted waters and I'm hoping I can swim instead of sinking. But even as I'm flailing trying to stay afloat, I'm not sure I've ever been happier.

My Inner Goon: Baby Mothers

This was hilarious when I saw it. But be careful running around telling everyone that every chick you mess with is a dime. Some guys out fucking up, smashing that fat/ugly/subpar slump buster with no condom and no pull out. That evidence will share you around. Many guys, myself included, have that Inner Goon; you gotta try to be responsible with that nigga though. The word don't need more half ugly children whose dad is slack because he's mad he got an undesirable pregnant. Life is short my ass. Your Inner Goon just signed you up for 18 years of possible misery...

Do Better: Really Manti Te'o?

I'm taking bets that this is the first star football player at Notre Dame, one of the most obsessed and successful football schools, who could not pick up tangible and certifiable women. Make me an offer, I'd bet almost anything that this is a first; I don't care that he wasn't a Heisman finalist yet when this happened, he was still a starting football player at Notre Dame. I was an athlete at Georgia Tech and the bench riding football players were dating beautiful women just because they had a uniform.  This has been on my mind for days now because it's the only way any of this story makes any sense. It's terrible that some guy and his female cousin set up and implemented a hoax posing at a leukemia-ridden woman (using the picture of one woman and the name of another) to fool a college athlete purely for entertainment. What makes matters even worse is they arranged for their created character to die of her leukemia right after the kid's grandmother (whose real, confirmed) died; it's borderline sickening that people stoop this low for no discernible reason. For him to be naive enough to not pick up on the fact that things were right and desperate enough to feel the need to embellish it, what other explanation is there? Like most guys who are embarrassed about their inability to get women in college (I had a roommate in college who I to this day think was lying to hide his homosexuality), Manti was lying on his dick about a girl he had never even met (or even see on Skype, Face Time, Oovoo, etc). That's why his teammates claim they knew something was fishy before this scam broke. "Stop lying Manti, she's not your girl. You didn't meet her." No Manti, apparently you didn't talk to her for 4 hours a night for 5 months; unless this is the most effective and dedicated con-woman in the history of mankind. She got that kind of time to devote to toying with you? Does she not have a job, kids, or her own life? Unless she's being paid handsomely by the man identified as the mastermind (who apparently ran a similar scam on someone 4 years ago), I have no idea why she continued to participate. I've heard the idea that maybe he was involved setting up the hoax to garner more attention for his Heisman campaign. However this doesn't make sense because 1) Notre Dame was not seen as a National Championship contender a year ago, they didn't even enter the season ranked. We had never heard of him, he wasn't on the Heisman radar and even wasn't after this happened; he got notoriety when Notre Dame started playing good. 2) That would be assuming he started a hoax in preparation of his grandmother dying so he could claim this fake chicks death compounded at the same time. I don't know Manti personally but his reputation is too good and I'm too optimistic to truly believe he'd stoop that low. I realize that certain questions won't be answered (you loved her but didn't attempt to go to her funeral? console her family?) but fuck it, I don't believe he did it. He's meeting with advisers about how to 'respond' to this confusing situation, but I don't think there's anything he can say were he doesn't end looking incredibly desperate or naive; Steve Urkel (the nerd, not his alter ego Stefan) is laughing at his inability to pull women. I have all the advice he needs: If you want to avoid this level of embarrassment ever befalling you again, get your game tight and start pursuing women in person, where they're tangible and confirmed...for him, make sure you're checking for Adam's Apples and nutsacks though. Do Better...

Are u serious: Dumbest Money Management I've Ever Heard

I often use the phrase "the dumbest shit I've ever heard" usually for emphasis rather than truly believing it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But (**turns on Katt Williams voice**) "this shit here nigga" actually may be the dumbest thought process about managing money that I've ever heard. My brother works with two young women, one about 24 and the other 22 I think. Each is said to have the same problem, frivolous spending...or in my analytic point of view, the lack of proper self control that an adult needs to stop themselves from spending frivolously. I don't know their names, so even though they are both young Black women, they will be referred to by names I believe Dumb Blondes would have for the purpose of this blog entry. So the first, Cindy Lou, is 24 years old and despite having a decent paying job with career possibility, she didn't feel she was getting paid enough. So she takes it upon herself to get another job as a waitress at a bar. Young lady, sees a problem takes action, sounds like a cool chick, I like her at this point...until the story goes sideways. Well, once she gets the side job, she finds that she is spending too frivolously on clothes and shoes...despite that fact that between her two jobs she never has time to go anywhere. So what would I do at this cross roads I wonder? I'd likely try to increase the amount of money I'm actively saving (extra savings account, start an IRA, high yield, or something) or make a list of meaningful items that I need to buy and make a plan to use the extra money to get those. Everyone doesn't think like me, so maybe the better answer for her is something like dropping the side job (which eliminates some of the extra cash while giving her back some of her social life), right? Wrong. Blonde Cindy decides that she needs another LARGE BILL to eat up her extra expendable cash. So she buys a new car....WTF??? Let's analyze this. She has now in effect locked herself into having two jobs (negating her social life and ensuring her erratic sleep schedule) because it's the only way she can afford her bills and newly acquired car. If she does want to shop for shoes/clothes or take a trip or anything else that may require a large amount of cash at one time, she probably can't because she consciously decided that she is going to swallow up all of her expendable cash. She is likely one of those women who is attractive, has a good job, now drives a nice car, and can't figure out why she doesn't have a quality man; she may claim there aren't any (and I know that there are a lot of "ain't shit" dudes around). As a quality man myself, I'd like to sit her down, put my hand on her shoulder and say "Baby, although u seem like a great catch, ur though process is ridiculous, I'd guess that it's not just limited to money management. This may make you seem toxic and/or too unstable/unpredictable to be true wifey material." It's a lot more polite than what ran through my mind when I first heard this story. So, what? If we were serious and we're taking trips and stuff, I just have to pay for everything for "us" because you've decided that every penny you make will be dedicated to "you"? You working two jobs to not have any extra spending money for anything? And for this reason, I only get to see you once a week or something because your schedule is crazy? I don't play that shit. But this is just the tip of the iceberg, take a moment and try to think of what could make less logical sense that Cindy Lou's idea of managing her spending. Over here behind door #2, Tammy Lynn takes that train of thought to a new level. Tammy Lynn has the same spending issue as Cindy did. It was never explained to me if these two formulated the plans together or what. She decides that not only does she need a new car, but she's going to lease a luxury vehicle, something that should cost her about $700-800 a month to help 'relieve her' of this extra cash that tends to be spent on clubbing, shopping, etc. Here's the kicker, Tammy Lynn (who is about 22) still lives with her parents. Let that marinate a moment...***Elevator music***...Yeah. No wonder she has all this expendable cash, she has a career path job living at home with her parents. So instead of getting her own spot, she's determined to make herself strapped for cash in her parents house. How the hell are you ever gonna make it out of your parents house if you've consciously decided not to save any money? You expect some dude to date you for a little big and then turn Captain Save-A-Hoe like "Don't Worry, Keep ur luxury car, I'll pay for everything"? It baffles me how a fully functioning mind can come to this conclusion as the best solution to a problem. Face the truth, the problem is not that you have this extra money, the problem is that you have no self-control and dont' bother planning and doing something constructive with that money. Get yourselves together ladies. You're making your gender, your race, your family, and everyone else look bad right now. SMH.

Are u Serious: Modern Savage Middle East Sexism

This medieval style punishment that is still allowed in the Middle East towards women must stop. I remember a few years back, Obama and other prominent world figures had to step in and stop one country from putting a lady accused of cheating (with no evidence of course) to death by stoning; that's right, the members of her community were going to bury her up to her shoulders in the ground, line up and pelt her with stones until she was dead...in the 21st century. Furthermore, I saw a documentary years ago where if a woman in her village is accused of cheating, a red hot pot is used to judge if she is lying or not. Basically, once the cast iron pot is red hot, they will touch it to her tongue 3 times. If her tongue burns, she's a lying cheater and will be stoned. If the tongue doesn't burn, she told the truth and will be permitted to live. Fuck the evidence, fuck trying to figure out if there was a time where both ppl were unaccounted for or anything like that. It's like in pick-up basketball, when there is an argument on a call and someone says "Shoot for it, the ball never lies." Whether or not you fouled me, if I'm a lights out shooter, I'm gonna make the shot; if I can't shoot, I probably won't. Now you're applying the same concept with a burning hot object and a human life at stake. I don't used such words lightly: but it's barbaric. By the way, I don't think anything more than a fine would have been asked of the other man even if she was deemed guilty and stoned. More recently, the past few days on Al Jazeera Online (the most respected of the Middle Eastern international news sources), there has been a lot of coverage on what gone on both positively and negatively for women in Saudi Arabia. They are on the cusp of gaining the right to vote and run for public office for the first time in the history of the country. But at the same time, a woman was in court facing indictment for driving, which women have been banned from doing in the country. What was her punishment for such an offense? 10 lashes with a whip. R u fucking seriuous??? They used to do that shit to slaves trying to escape. I haven't seen that shit since Will Turner was getting whipped on the 2nd "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. This is Saudi Arabia, the world's largest and most profitable supplier of petroleum and crude oil; they should be a role model for the rest of the region. But instead they have a situation where women can now possibly be elected to Parliament but are forbidden from driving themselves to work at the country's most powerful governing body. If they break the rules, even an elected female official will be forced to remove their burqa (be reminded, the average women there has everything except their eyes covered due to the men's fear that even uncovering the rest of her face will garner unnecessary attention from other men; which they will blame on her and not the other men) and receive 10 lashes by the whip to getting behind the wheel of a car; which teenage females are permitted to do in most of the world. This isn't just some form of vigilante justice, a judge - most likely, a man who went to law school and did time as a lawyer before being elected as judge - made this ruling in a formal court hearing. As much as they like to blame Islam, I live in a Muslim country right now and it is not like that. Just because something is tradition and has been for hundreds of years, doesn't mean it is right. The world is changing and evolving, their behavior towards the mothers and daughter of our future should be doing the same.

Do Better: Hoeing Your Way to the Top, WARNING: Graphic

I know it’s 2011 and the definition of “celebrity” has changed, but some of this stuff is getting ridiculous. Celebrities and persons of power have always been promiscuous, men and women. And to a certain degree, there have always been women who slept with certain hand-picked men in order to get a chance to get their talent discovered (For example, J-Lo allegedly slept with the right producer and it helped her go from “In Living Color” fly-girl to getting a chance to be a solo artist and actress, the rest is history. Some female singers have emerged with very little actual talent for much the same reasoning) and even though it’s still conflicted morally, I won’t talk too bad about that situation either. But some of these chicks nowadays are trying to become world-famous groupies. Groupies used to just be the chicks that found the hotel the artists were staying at, or got let into the VIP section or tour bus and got to touch stardom for a night, or a leg of a tour at most. Nowadays, chicks like Natalie Nunn, Katt Stacks, and Amber Rose are trying fuck their way to fame. I blame Karrine “Superhead” Stefans (pictured with her favorite make-up) for starting this revolution. She was sucking her way to wealth and when the money got a little low, she wrote a book publicizing her fellacious endeavors and the benefits she gained from her talents. It may have been the first time someone publicly shed light on just how much dudes with money will throw at a chick to be a cute asset to the crew and keep him sexually satisfied for a time period of his choosing. Amber Rose went from stripper to semi-respected celeb girlfriend when she got with Kanye. But since that dissolved (and it surfaced that she was cheating on him the entire time) she has been bouncing from person to person; Wiz Khalifah to Drake to who knows who else. And Natalie Nunn? Oh my goodness. The chick clearly is trying to build self-esteem through the gratification of being beside [enter famous person’s name] in front of the camera right after she wipes his cum off her face and they get out of the car. Her body is banging but she ain’t that cute and has a massive Jay Leno-esque chin. She one of those chicks that would come around a celeb with shades on and after a half bottle of liquor, he’d start staring at her ass and say “yeah, I might have to smash.” This chick has been with everyone from Wiz Khalifah (pictured above with both mentioned groupies) dude is really taking advantage of his short time in the spotlight so far) to Breezy to Shaq to Vernon Davis to even D-list rappers and athletes. Even with no hope/desire of becoming serious with any of these people. And the absolute worst of the worst, Katt Stacks. I shake my head just thinking about her. She tried to mimic Superhead by taking videos in the immediate aftermath of each sexual endeavor and posting them online. Two big problems arose for the chick: The majority of the people she was sleeping with and putting business out on were C- or D- list celebs (Choppa Young City, Gudda Gudda, etc), and most importantly, it’s hard to gain the right kind of respect for your videos if you just plain out can’t talk. This chick sounds retarded when she speaks. If I was a celeb and she was in the VIP with me, it would probably be like “Ay look, I’ll give you $500 if you suck my dick with lots of spit, swallow my seed, and don’t say another fucking word the rest of the night.” And this chick was trying to embarrass celebrities in a way that embarrassed her more than anyone else. She’d get on video and be like “This nigga just met me and he and his friends fucked me raw, and two of them busted inside me. Nasty niggas.” In my mind “Bitch u nastier for letting them do it. The celeb is a D-lister and he homies r just entourage. If they get u pregnant or give u an STD, u probably not even gonna be able to get no real money out of them.” Even in the midst of reality TV’s takeover, terrible quality 3D movies, and everything else, Katt Stacks may be the worse things that happened to popular culture…scratch that, the Black and minority community since the Reagan presidency and the AIDS and cocaine that his tenure delivered. SMH. Do Better...

Real Talk: Black Men and Black Women, Intersecting Stigmas

DISCLAIMER: This entry features many generalizations, obviously there is no way to break down every man-woman situation at once. So please the save the "That's bullshit, I'm not like that" for someone else. If u're not like this, cool, ignore it. Please also consider the possibility that u may be this way but haven't taken an honest look in the mirror. Enjoy...

Age and increased interaction with the opposite sex results in more opinion and curiosity about how things work the way they do between each. After my experiences and watching the movie "The Diary of A Tired Black Man," I have gained new perspective on a subject I hadn't previously thought deeply about. What the movie calls "Angry Black Woman Syndrome" (ABWS) has a potential to directly intersect with the American circumstances that create the "Angry Black Man." ABWS is often caused influences such as woman being bitter from past relationships, the absence or distrust of father figure, and influences from other women. Obviously, there are countless movies and even now whole networks (Lifetime Movie Channel, etc.) dedicated to showing the ways that men mess up relationships; whether it's cheating, physical abuse, abandonment, etc. Which can also turn scorned baby's mothers into vessels for negativity, "Your father ain't shit. Men ain't shit" etc, in the absence of males. This can force women not to try to find their flaws - possibly trust, dependence, defensiveness, jealousy, over-independence, incessant nagging, etc - but to focus all their attention, and consequently all the blame, on the men (I can point u to ten guys I know who will tell u "Fa real, fa real, I ain't shit. I'm just a squirrel in the world tryna bust a nut", but how many women u know who will tell u that they're not "wifey" material right now because of their own flaws?) This can create a scenario where women have unrealistic or contradictory expectations - possibly in inappropriate proportions - which you expect from men despite it being implausible. How do you expect a guy to be openly emotional and sensitive yet strong and unflinching? a panther to fight for what he believes yet a puppy who will say "Yes ma'am" when she wants something of him? To be wealthy without having to ever choose business over them? To be nice and wholesome, while still asshole and crazy enough for them not to get bored? The man who every woman wants but only wants her, even if she treats him like shit? A man can't be all of those things on the same front at the same time. They can become irrational; especially in improper proportions. It attraccts some women to the wrong things entirely when searching for the right man. I know plenty of women who will take the excitement and 'swag' over the manners and ambition anyday. Yet if it doesn't work out, she doesn't see any flaw in her decision. It's all HIS fault in their eyes and the eyes of those conspiracy theorist friends who been talking shit since day one of the relationship. Don't you think it's strange that four single chicks who can't keep men may try so hard to break up the happy relationship of the only one in the crew with a good man?

Which brings me to the "Angry Black Man." I consider my self a fairly laid back dude. But I can tell that Angry Black Man is in me. He rears his head from time to time, but he's deep within me. There are many who wear this man on their sleeve, ready to jump out at the any opportune moment. This has side effects, just as ABWS has them on women; but slightly different. As Black men coming up in America, we have been taught since birth (those who have had good male role models in their lives) that nothin will be given to u, a hundred doors may be slammed in ur face, u have to keep fighting to be ready when the right one cracks open a little bit for u. This can lead to a several things as far as women, including the "Fine, if she don't want me, the next chick will" attitude and those "I won't take no for an answer" brothers; depending on self-control, confidence and temperment factors. Another early lesson is if u really believe in something, think it out and stand up for it with reason, not emotion. Just as with doors being slammed in your face, emotion is weakness, and although it is felt, it can not be succumbed to. For this reason, men are quick to let u know that u've hurt them; "can't let em see u sweat." If a man does allow himself to be open and vulnerable and he gets hurts, his door is gonna close even tighter for the next person. As less emotional beings, it takes even more of a toll however we may try to repress it within. Also, authority is automatically questioned; that "don't tell me what to do" reflex. This explains many male responses to ultimatums and scenarios where instinctual responses may take over before he has even truly weighed the pros and cons of the consequences. And most importantly, I repeat most importantly (to many, but not all, once again, we're dealing with generalities) is the point that when the rest of the world- society, work, traffic, bills, etc - is providing u chaos that u have to fight thru, u want to come home and have peace; therefore, u need a home situation and woman who is helping u to find that peace. If u come home to constant fighting or nagging, it feels less like somewhere u want to be and more like another place u want to escape from. All of these things inevitably effect the way men react to different issues as they arise in relationships. U can imagine how I man lookin for peace and a woman arguing to 'manufacture' excitement might not mix. U can imagine how a woman who expects him to be emotionally open might become discouraged that his boundary walls aren't dropping as fast as his (but I still contend that no chick wants to see her man cry, that's "too" emotional. How many niggas u know who cry on the regular and survive the relationship?). I think men and women have to take time to understand themselves - our strengths, weakness, flaws, etc - and then be open and honest to find a relationship situation that lasts. It will help us break through outdated inconsistencies, gender roles gone wrong, and double standards which keep women saying "There's no good Black men" and men saying "There are no good Black women." Becuz as publicized as men's problems are, it goes both ways, believe me. I recently spoke to a close female friend of mine who is perfect on paper (beautiful, good future, smart, ambitious, etc) but has major control and trust issues and can't be honest enough with herself to admit it. If my homeboy came back from a first date and told me a chick said the things she said to me, my response would be "Get away from her, this chick is psycho." There are many ppl on both sides who think they're "that good one being overlooked" that have these kind of issues but don't know it. We gotta tone down the attitude and ego and be real with ourselves so we can be real with each other. It's essential to ensuring the continuity of progressive Black ppl going into the future. I don't want us to keep losing good Black men and good Black women to the Caucasians. That's right, I said it. Racist, I Know. I've Been Called Worse...

Comments encouraged. I just ask that all comments come from a place of thought out questioning or criticism, not quick-handed emotion response because u don't like somethin I said. Real Talk...

Stop Me When I Start Lying: Sexism VS. Gender Understanding

In this first Stop Me If I Start Lying of the year 2010, I'd like to explore some of my views on gender traits and relations. This is often dangerous territory becuz it leads to the perception that u are a sexist for bringing these trends up. However, even when they start pulling out the word sexist, I rarely hear anybody justifiably disagree with me on the ideas that I highlight. I love women and they're irreplaceable.
DISCLAIMER: Before reading any further, please know that just as all generalizations do, these traits do not apply to every woman, it's just an popular topic I've seen evidence of in my dealing with women. Men have their share of issues too and I don't deny that; however, I've learned how to deal and function around and within them more than I have so far with the female gender.

• It's 2010 and a lot of women argue that they're no longer restricted to gender roles, men and women are now equal, and they don't need no man. However, I tend to find this only applies at their convenience, men are still expected to buy a drink just for the "privilege" of talking to some chick u don't even know (and in her eyes, any friends she brought too), on any casual date it is expected that he will pay (not meaning women paying doesn't happen, but that women paying is still very much a luxury and it's often a victory if she's cool with a split bill). It seems at times as if they believe their money is more valuable than a man's. I've even heard women cite guys they know that are strictly platonic friends who they call only when they want to go out somewhere but not want to spend any of their money and they know he'll pick it up. Men who don't embody the traditional gender role of being a working provider are often ridiculed. I don't think I know a guy who haven't run themselves broke at some point to make sure his lady has a good time; i dunno how many ladies I know who would have done the same.
• I'm not and most likely never will be a huge women's basketball fan. No offense, but I watch sports to marvel at what the athletes can do. I need to see people getting dunked on, catching alley oops, and things of this nature to stay excited. I get called racist when I say this but women don't attend women's bball nearly as much as men's bball either.
  
• I'm very independent and solution-oriented, I was raised that way and that isn't gonna change. It became a character trait that I admire; someone who wants a man rather than just needing one. I don't usually ask for things, that is often my last resort if finding my own answer or solution proves unsuccessful or irrational. I've met women who are the opposite, they'd rather ask than get their hands dirty or make changes to their tough process. After a certain age, reaching out to parents or ur man before attempting to find ur own solutions just ain't right. Life throws obstacles at people, adapting and finding ways to deal with them independently is part of growing up. As Kevin Hart would say "U have to be a part of ur own rescue."
• Shopping is not a hobby. Hobbies are constructive activities that build skills and may or not require money (instruments, supplies, etc). Shopping is the HABIT of spending money on urself. Much different.
• I believe that beautiful women are the most manipulative and privileged (in an everyday action sense) people on the planet. There are so many things that would fly coming from some beautiful woman that would not fly coming from some guy. I've heard women complain about not being bought drinks all night, not getting free, not being able to skip the line and get in free at crowded night spots, not being able to flirt their way out of speeding tickets, even just not getting their way every time they ask for something, and many other things becuz they're used to them. They don't get any sympathy from me becuz unless I have connections, none of those things will happen to me anyway. They take advantage of this objectification but then protest the fact that women are objectified. It's one thing if u're beautiful but u're still down to earth about things and happen to get some perks thrown ur way, that's no problem. But those who purposely flaunt things or act certain ways (flirting, sensual positioning, etc) just to take advantage shouldn't be complaining about being objectified.
• If chivalry is dead (rather than just in a reduced role), then women undoubtedly killed it. Don't complain about lack of chivalry when u don't respect nice guys anymore urself. Chivalry was started becuz it was how u won a lady over, nowadays, it's more likely so send them away, or prompt her to make u the platonic friend she calls when she wants to go out for drinks and get u to pay for them.
• It's interesting to me that both a total lack of self-esteem or an overwhelming sense of self-esteem can both create a monster of out a woman. Too much self-esteem can make a woman unapproachable (even for a regular convo rather than trying holla) and shrewd out of believing they're better than everyone around them. And lack of self-esteem (or self-esteem entirely linked to physical appearance and attention) can manifest itself a lot of different negative ways which we've all seen and I doubt I really have to explain.
• Women making up deep and intricate scenarios in their minds about something that can be explained very simply has begun to annoy me. There are things I've heard women talk about and make up some negative scenario about that I seriously doubt the guy involved even noticed. And then they look at me like I'm crazy if I tell them to fine a way to just ask the guy. I guess they prefer the scenario n rumor game over an explanation, go figure. Men aren't mind readers, talk to us when somethin like this comes up.
  
• Women cheat too, it's not all on us. Honestly, women are a lot better and more efficient at it becuz of the lack of testosterone which causes guys to do extra macho and stupid things.
• The gang mentality that goes on between a lot of women annoys me. While watchin Bad Girls Club at a friend's lady's house, she explained it to me and my friend. Like when there's an argument or something, you automatically have to take sides with ur crew despite how u actually feel about the issue. Ladies, please realize that this 'Absolutist Ultimatum' (the whole "You're either with us or against us" concept) is what every destructive or oppressive force (slave-taking colonists, corrupt bureaucracies, radical political parties, etc) has used to either force compliance or justify attack or alienation. U shouldn't have to deal with that amongst ur friends, keep that in mind. Mentally put urself in the position of both sides of the dispute and then make ur assessment.
• Relationship of not, people need friends. Oftentimes, women kind of disappear from their circle of friends in favor of him. Although I respect this commitment, I think it's too much. And it often causes her to expect him to alienate him from his friends too, which ain't always gonna happen. I feel like people need a few days a wk with their gf/bf, a few days with their friends, and a day or two to themselves. And I'll defend that balance whole heartily.
• "Oh. Well that's different." I've come to hate those words, the justification of BS double standards. If u nag at a guy about something he does when u do the exact same thing, it's not different, it's the exact same thing. Face it. It's hard but I had to learn to admit when I'm wrong about somethin, a lotta women I've met have yet to figure that out.
• Another phrase I've come to hate: "But it's just the way I am." Don't go out being critical of everyone else and wanting ppl to change if u can't deal with criticism. Everybody's shit stinks, if u're critical of ppl, be prepared to hear about urself when u step outta line too. The whole "I can't change, it's just how I am" defense ain't gonna fly.
  

U may think I sound a little sexist, but look at the points objectively and see how many of them u wholeheartedly disagree with. There are women who are exceptions to these points and I love them for that, but they often try to act like these kinds of women are myths that men made up to justify saying these kind of things; they are not. I wrote these out of real life experiences I've had or witnessed. Old gender roles create a condition where women (not all, but many times benefit more from a good relationship than men do. I think a blending of old school gender roles and new age women empowerment is what is necessary for a good, working relationship here in the 2010s. I once sat in a room full of women who all raised their hands when asked "Would u want ur husband to be a stay-at-home husband?" And to this day, I still think at least 90% were lying and wouldn't deal with that situation in reality. I feel like the relationship would b filled with arguments about how he can't make big decisions becuz he's not working and accusations about what he's doing with all his free time. I'm not signing up for that. And in light of the previously mentioned point, any questions about anything I've said should b directed to me and not a circle of female friends who will fill in assumptions for me. Please just ask me. I'll step out on a limb and say that most anyone who reads this will know ppl who fit these descriptions. Stop Me When I Start Lying...

So please, leave me a comment whether u honestly think I'm sexist or just very conscious of differences between the genders. But regardless of wut u say, I've Been Called Worse...